colourful life

2008-07-31T01:02:00.003+08:00

my blog is totally stale. but i need to post some thoughts.
this week is such a stressful week. i've got so many things to think about, to do, to plan, to buy, to go. and it was driving me crazy.
the nus modules and bidding system is so confusing-i read about it, called ppl up about it, talked to ppl online/in person about it, and to me, there are still certain things which i cant get. whatever it is, im just glad that i got pre-allocated modules. all i need to do is to bid for the rest-which are not easy to choose. and it stresses me out.
ministry wise, i think i've been taken out of my comfort zone so much these few weeks that yeah, im kinda stunned by it. like woooh--this is the extent of heart, effort and mind i need to put in. i've never expected it to be like this. and frankly, i do get tired and disappointed and sian about it. like a rubber band. when it's stretched, it's taut and strained and that's how i feel sometimes. but at the end of the day, i will remind myself about the reason behind it all and i will be fine.
i cant claim that i understand everything. i can say that sometimes i dont feel like understanding everything. understanding will require a response and it can get challenging and tough, somethings i may not wish to do.
did i make the wrong choice? i dont know. certain questions and stuff do make me feel like im making a wrong choice. is it wrong to take a chance? i need to set my mind straight again before starting school. stop thinking and overthinking about things and incidents and comments which increase my self doubt.
i dont know whether im understood or not. maybe not. but whether im understood or not, some reactions certainly pile the stress up on me.
its just the beginning and im already starting to feel the heat. what's going to happen next?
it has been a mad rush these few weeks. maybe i havent taken some time for myself in a long while. maybe i need to take the rest with God again.
i hate wallowing in self-pity.

i must rmb that im God's Little Princess.

2008-06-03T01:04:00.003+08:00

i cant believe i cried so much over a taiwanese drama. my goodness.
but this recent episode is really quite heart-wrenching. i havent cried while watching a romantic comedy for quite some time so hah. okay wells, i guess im still easily moved.

i cant wait for camp. driving me nuts thinking about it. HAHA!

should i go for the sheares/ arts camp! hmm. need to think about it!

okay this is quite a random post.haha.

2008-06-01T02:57:00.002+08:00

eee. i just realised that im missing alot of ppl. and yup these names are starting to pop out in my head. i should start my visits. HAH!
busy week ahead:
monday-gotta go back rv, wordforlife, dance class
tues- free for now.
wed-wordforlife, tuition
thurs-free for now.
fri-CG?
guess its not as busy as i want it to be. siannnn.

2008-06-01T02:40:00.002+08:00

i finally finished the Qin Shihuang thingy. oh gosh. yeahh.

the past week has been a busy one. sending mr alex off, dance class, east coast park, word for life, restless, service...okay, i'll rather be busy than bored. and yes, unemployment is starting to get to me. so yup, im sooooo hopeful that im going to get busier. haha. weird huh.

sometimes, i simply dont understand and im very mad. and irritated. and i cant stand it. i dont understand the motives and i feel frustrated. bleahhh. maddening. i guess i havent felt like this for some time. bah.

okay, as much as i regret saying this, i miss Queen Ant. haha.

2008-05-27T23:52:00.002+08:00

i feel very blessed cuz of many things.

firstly, i'm glad i went to send alex off yesterday. i think the look on his face which expressed appreciation was worth the changing-buses-then-cab-trip home. i mean i must admit that at first,i was hesistant to go in the morning, but well. i went in the end and yup, i felt happy i went.

second, my mom didnt know i reached home at 1 plus in the morning. i was half expecting her to be waiting up for me or tolike scream at me in the morning- but she didnt, so yeahh.
third, i got the mica scholarship! i think its a blessing/ a miracle. i rmb thinking that its quite divine cuz i went for it on the day of my first day on the thai trip. managed to go first on the interview and rush to the airport in time. yupps.

fourth, when i was praying today for the fasting i was doing, i like made up this song, inspired by how i was feeling at the moment. its not very good, but yup, i like it that i manage to record it down in my phone and even try out the arrangement on the piano.haha.

yups. loads of blessings in one day. and im very very grateful so yupp. thank God. (:

2008-05-16T12:29:00.002+08:00

how do i explain? i dont know how to express this but well that response really got me -.-. im quite annoyed now and its giving me a headache. how do i explain why it is actually not a small thing but quite a impt thing for me?

2008-05-14T12:36:00.003+08:00

and it has to be this last lesson. why do you have to piss me off.
im disappointed, insulted and very angry. not just because of the act itself, but its the fact that i thought you respected me enough to be more sensible, and to know that i hated this kind of things. i cant and wont take this kind of rubbish.

2008-05-09T13:08:00.001+08:00

i guess i forgot about what Pastor Peter said about what i need to pray.
the wall msg actually reminded me of it.
PEACE.

2008-05-09T10:38:00.000+08:00

you know im SO annoyed now. and confused too.
is this a sign of a closed door?

2008-05-07T12:51:00.002+08:00

im dying.
at first i enjoyed,even relished putting the red pools of ink onthe scripts. now! im so tired and siann. worse, there are more! ahhh. kill me.

2008-04-30T23:50:00.003+08:00

i think the theme of my year,as i've realised so far is really: faith/trust.

its so...not easy. and i had faltered a couple of times. and i think there will be other times when i'll fall down. but no matter what-how dissatisfied, how unhappy, how doubtful, how annoyed, how disappointed, how defeated i feel, i will make the decision to stay faithful.

God you know what i need.
will you be my need?

2008-04-30T11:06:00.002+08:00

okay havent been blogging for a while cuz iwas away and busy.

i received so much from the thai church camp that it'll really take days to tell you all about it. all i can say is that im inspired, im refreshed and recharged. alot. new visions. new aspirations.

im putting hope in things that are unseen.
i dont know what's gonna happen from here, but im gonna believe God and His plans for me. i'll be there, sooner or later. so yup, im gonna trymy best to prep myself for it.

i feel like doing a dance course. feasible? havent danced for years. in my own way, i'll move my body around, spinning crazily sometimes,secretly at home. i love dance, just like i love music. perhaps cuz i really love doing smt that involves listening and being emotionally encaptured and involved in the music. hahah. lyrical jazz. should i take ballet again first? hahah. im weirdd.

okay im going off for an interview soon. nervous yet excited at the same time.
peace in heart.
soundness in mind.

2008-04-16T09:10:00.012+08:00

some photos from International Understanding Day!

haha, everyone had fun i think. me too. and i love the souvenirs and stuff the classes gave me! (:

1J:

1G:

1D:

1A:

2008-04-15T09:01:00.003+08:00

i wonder why im suddenly feeling this way.!
i'm gonna miss my caregroup so much when im in thailand-everyone. even though its only for a week. already, im like oh when am i seeing them again this week! then when i realised that cg's on friday i was like aww, i wanna go but cant!
haha. weird huh. that ppl of different ages, personalities and even schools can feel so family to me.

had been blog-hopping a little. not alot, a little! and whooo. i miss these ppl alot too. i guess this is the time of life when things and circumstances are constantly changing. perhaps too fast for me to catch up and adapt as quickly as i will like to, but well, i'll move on.

im listening to this song called: Centre of my Heart. and im like: oh that's my cry!

im so excited for thai church camp!!!!!
im going crazy thinking about it. althought im bringing just enough money to tide me so as to curb my spending ( im gg thailand again this june for shopping this time.!). and i feel very sad knowing that i dont have as much spending power as i like. but well, this trip ain't for shopping mann. and i have great expectations. to like learn and soak whatever i can take and bring back with me. im expecting a great transformation in me and a brand new touch from God. yay!

i feel quite bad that im leaving my classes behind to fend for themselves one week into their midyears and i wont have any more chances to see them before their term assessment. guilty. but im gonna try my best to plan the lessons so that they get as much revision as possible.

loads to marking to finish before my flight on Friday so yuppp.
i love knowing that i can still be joyful even through stressful and time-pressing times. (:

2008-04-07T10:38:00.003+08:00

im worried because i really need this, at least i think so, as it is gonna affect how my family lives for the next few years. i really want it quite badly but will i get it? do i really need it?
i dont know.
perhaps what im thinking is short term, but my Daddy above knows the long term plans that He has for me. i'll definitely trust God in this, but hmm, i cant remove the worry that lingers in my heart.
so the only prayer i have is for God to help me be able to trust in Him more, and to have stronger and more persistent faith.
scary it seems, unreal it may be to others, but i believe that my Daddy will bless me cuz He loves me and cuz i have given my best in all the interviews i'd been to so far and also in my ministry.
so i think im just gonna continue to get on with my life, continue to try serving Him with more of myself.

Lord, i need.
more of You and less of me.

2008-03-31T00:24:00.002+08:00

i was holding back alot of emotions and feelings for the past few days and now that i finally allowed myself to even think about it, im feeling mixed feelings.

i thought about the days we had cg after school.
the times we chiong for church after choir.
the times we sing and praise like nobody's business in nexus during metamorphsis and services.
my first time at camp when we stood tgt in a group and shouted "hwachong"!
the cards i received on my birthdays, before SYF, before concerts.
the pats on my shoulder when i was feeling really down.
the times we fool around outside the LT making shadows with our hands.
the food we had at dinners at newton, jing ji, canteen, meridian, s11..
the impromptu lunch or dinner sessions.
the studying sessions at coffeebean, starbucks, marksnspencer, esprit cafe, school library, reading room, concourse, serene macs, rooftop..
the prayer meetings at basketball court and the secret place above the canteen.
the different church camps we had tgt.
....my family.

many many many memories of the times we had together as a hwachong caregroup. it is in this place where i really grew up, mature alot. learnt to be more compassionate, more loving, more sincere. and to be happy just being myself. because they love me for who i am.
im so going to miss all of them. everyone of them.
the hwachong girls, the guys, plus the other unit grads. i cant say that i was close to every single person in the grads group. but i will definitely miss everyone.

and you know what, im already missing her. i cant express how i feel very adequately. but i really appreciate what she has done for me. how she has supported me and never giving up on me. how she believed in me and what i can be. she has always been my pillar of strength and i look up to her alot. even though i didnt get to spend alot of time with her this year, i knew that she'll be right there when i need her, just a msg or call away. thank you my dear shepherd, Tracy.

i feel alittle empty now. perhaps cuz im feeling a little left behind and that my support pool as decreased overnight. but i know i'll be fine after a while.
i'll still see them around. i'll see them later in the year when my part is done here. and yes, at the end of the race.

thank God for all of you.
i love you guys, alot.

2008-03-25T12:12:00.003+08:00

im very annoyed when:
people are gossiping, throwing 'secret' looks at each other, smirking..
people are rude and disrespectful when it is basic courtesy to be respectful towards another, let alone someone of a higher authority..
people are gossiping (again) when they dont even know what we are doing, or spending our time doing..

but for these:
people who asks for help sincerely..
people who are cordial and really very helpful..
people who are friendly but show that they respect you as a person, a senior..

i will continue.

2008-03-24T13:20:00.002+08:00

i was just talking randomly in 1A today and i suddenly thought of the phrase i got while watching half of Sydney White yesterday:

Sometimes, people underestimate the majority and overestimate the elites.

and i thought. cool.
this shows that teenage bimbotic comedies can have insightful stuff too. haha.
imgonna continue watching it tonight. it's quite funny. haha. (:

going for another round of classes again. vroom..!

2008-03-24T10:44:00.001+08:00

i feel broke.
not because i really am but because i forgot to put money in my wallet. plus there's no value in my ezlink card. oh no, how am i gonna survive today?!
siannz.

2008-03-23T21:15:00.002+08:00

haha! i just changed my blog skin. i think this expresses what im feeling recently.
loved and freed.
yeahh. university and scholarship applications are making me quite cranky. i cant do anything much because im so busy with them. so ive essays not marked, marks not checked..plus loadds of things not done. sheesh. hope this will all be over sooon.

im so excited for the thai camp. omg. im just going crazeee thinking about it. hahah. hooray!

alrights. i think i should go look at some essays, hopefully change some marks, and maybe watch a movie later. to reward myself.

school tmr.

2008-03-22T02:31:00.018+08:00

haha so many different photos. from different places. haha, i like having my own camera. and this lumix has this intelligent mode for noobies like me, so we dont needa learn and fumble with adjusting the modes to get good shots. haha.
i just finished my korean drama series: one percent of anything. good show cuz its funny, entertaining and it moves me when it talks about the love within a family and among ppl. interesting.
some pictures here:

im excited for service!

2008-03-17T23:20:00.002+08:00

i realised something again today.
Christianity can be practical too. i used to think that some stuffs are quite idealistic and i mean its unachievable, unattainable, and basically not very practical for daily living. too saintly maybe.
but seriously. the qualities, values and attitudes that i learn in church, shepherding and cg can be practised everyday.
i was just writing my psc personal statement:what are some values and beliefs that you hold strongly to?
and the values and stuff that come to me quickly were: passion, pursuit for excellence in all areas of my life, commitment, joy and optimism...and so on. and i was thinking, oh my, this is exactly what i learn in church and through my walk with God. and i was totally amazed and fascinated.
so cool. haha.

though work can be tiring, frustrating, annoying irritating and taxing, i'll rmb why i want the job in the first place.
and remember my name.

my name is taesha.
taesha means joy.

2008-03-15T00:23:00.002+08:00

finally finished.
oh my gosh.
sitting at the kitchen table, keeping my head bowed down, frantically flipping, writing, noting...with a cup of tea and biscuits at my side, sometimes with the soothing, comforting Christian music from the earphones i put on..
sounds familiar? i find it really familiar. it feel exactly like studying and mugging for block tests or smt. and i thought those days are over.
haha. the life of a over-worked relief teacher.

having a backache now must be the horrible position i was in for the last few hours, or days? haha. anyhows, going nus open house with luanie later. im having a headache cuz of the scholarship and university applications. so sian. and they're like driving me crazzy.

going to talk to ppl a while more and watch another episode of my korean drama. to reward myself.

yeah service later! (:
"son, do you know I still love you."

2008-03-08T00:57:00.001+08:00

im very grateful.
amazed.
thankyou God.

2008-02-29T10:55:00.002+08:00

i love this family of God
so closely knitted onto us
you welcome me into your heart
and im so glad to be a part of this,
this family.

yesterday, i felt this feeling coming back again.
and i really feel super blessed!
thank you accg, you guys make me feel like home.

2008-02-22T13:45:00.002+08:00

im actually taking ms chia's class now and im like super bored. argh.

anyhows, i've been feeling quite good teaching these two weeks perhaps because my students are starting to produce better work and yeah, becoming more vibrant and less sleepy in class. it's quite satisfying really and i may just take it up as a career. hahha, even ms teo said that im starting to sound more like a teacher now. (: most of my students are really sweet and i really enjoy spending time with them, in and out of class. if only i have more chances to do so! yupp.

the past month has been quite an exciting month. celebrating my birthday at the chinese new year unit family gathering, chinese new year visitations, ministry--changes in ministry...many stuff.cant believe im officially 19 now, i can drive a car if i have a license, do stuff that im not allowed to. so yeah. feel quite old suddenly. but i know that im still quite young on the inside cuz im still able to connect to people younger than me.

ESS this week. i CANT believe none of my contacts have confirmed yet. maybe i should start new tactics to be more effective. grr. such a waste.

announcement: im going for THAI CHURCH CAMP! im so really excited cuz i know im gonna like be ministered to like crazy and im expecting to learn alot alot. envious? heh. i dont really know the people im going with, but this is like such a good ooportunity to get to know more people, hear their experiences and learn from all of them. cant wait for APRIL! (:(:(:

okay the lesson is ending soon so im going off.
A levels results next week? hmm. im nervous but expectant at the same time. ScaRy! i think i'll cry and be like super emo and everything. i just know it. but hopefully for a positive reason. yupp. but no matter what i will choose to trust in God's plans and be happy with it. yeaahh.

meeting tracy later! (:

2008-01-27T23:25:00.000+08:00

surprisesurprise.
my head's in a state of confusion. my emotions in a big mess. i cant exactly describe what im actually feeling cuz its just kinda mixed up.
disappointment. sadness. pissed.
you didn't lie. you weren't exactly honest either.
perhaps you just didnt bother to. perhaps i wasnt trustable.
and what does this make me?
i feel quite like a loser.

the meeting on saturday made me remember many things. just as i felt super regretful over what happened for her, i strived and promised to do better, in fact to buck up in my role for her and her. and now this. sheesh. it seems that life isn't making this easy for me.

im just totally speechless.

2008-01-07T13:58:00.000+08:00

i put the photo of you guys as my desktop picture. gosh, i really do miss you all. i miss talking, having cg and just spending time with you guys. i feel some sense of lost without you guys around me. haha, sounds weird i know but yeah, that's how i feel, really.

i didnt see you that day. i dont know what happened or if it had already happened. surprisingly, i find myself missing you too. im not sorry for that because you were part of us. im just disappointed and kinda..that you decided to do this. cant really explain how i feel or what i think, i just do.

obligations? and all the while i thought there was more. how foolish i felt all of a sudden. i cant claim that i know you very well. now, i cant even try to convince myself that i know you at all. can i do anything now? if i can, i will. but i really dont know what and how. somehow, i think of you alot, and each time i do, i feel pissed at myself. at the same time, i felt a huge wae of sadness that i cant control.

i dont know why i feel like crying alot these few days.

2007-12-29T02:43:00.000+08:00

i feel kinda detached from my life after i started working in my aunt's shop. i wouldn't say the work is easy cuz its not. in fact its really tiring, having to stand around for 12 hours, trying to persuade people to buy the watches, explaining to people about swiss movement japanese movement and about austrian crystals...but in actual fact i learnt quite a lot. i learnt to be more observant, more persuasive and to you know, be more people-minded. good social and ministry skill. i've also learnt more about the world through my conversations with my colleague , Shiv- things that the sheltered me have never heard or experienced or have contact before. and seeing the world and its happenings through another person's perspectives. Different, i must say.

i feel extremely loved by the number of people coming to bishan to have lunch/dinner with me so that i wont feel bored or sorry for myself. i feel blessed that my family in God cared enough to come accompany me, to constantly ask how im doing and to encourage me through msgs etc. i feel fortunate to have Sarah Soon come down for lunch and a very good time of catching up at Subway. to have dinner with jonathan and eugene wong at foodcourt. lunch with kelly and tianruo at pastamania. a very fruitful and insightful shepherding with tracy. yanyin, shaun and junyao coming to the shop to visit me. and my dear sheep patrice who came all the way from town and back to send me chrysanthemum tea and chat with me. my mom who prepared breakfast, pills and drinks for me in the morning. i truly feel super thankful and grateful that God gave me these people to help me get use to a new life , different from what im so used to. and to God for reminding me through this experience about how much i really need Him and how much He's so willing to provide and give me. (:

i feel sad. and disappointed. perhaps a little pissed too. i may not know you very well, but i saw and felt the change in you. and i feel so...about it. what can i say? i may not know the full story. i dont need to. but i dislike the way you are and will affect the people around you, these ppl whom i really care about. why dont you start thinking about people? do whatever with your life, just dont touch these ppl i love.

i dont really know how to handle this. in and out. yes and no. so swift, so fast. how do i deal with it. how do i cushion her? im worried, i feel at a lost. all i know is that i cannot and will not let her choose that path, no matter what happens. i dont wanna feel the regret that Shiv felt, the sorrow that grips her so strongly. God, help.

service later. im really excited because im tired and i need desperately God's empowerment and refreshment.
Jesus, help me!

2007-12-12T22:09:00.000+08:00

X29.
i think this is one camp which i started out really badly cuz i was feeling spiritually dry for so long but i received the most out of the four camps i've been to. to me, this camp was more relaxing prob cuz i wasn't really involved in any ministry or performances or serving, but i think God gave me this time to get to know my new CG so much better and i can safely say that this camp really bonded us quite well. i really am very grateful how God has never given up on me even though i may be like a pile of rubbish. yet He chose to give me new opportunities and chances to meet new people, and to be challenged by the different teachers and also by the people around me.
i saw the miracle with the keycard. i saw visions once again. i could feel God's presence so clearly once more. my first truly and extremely spirit-led worship when i really followed the directions of the Holy Spirit. funny how this isn't my first time at camp, yet it reminded me so much about being new again-an objective i had for camp. so yeah. happy.

sometimes i see the people around me doing stupid stuff and i feel like ahhh, why are you doing this? why are you ruining your life, ruining other people's lives and causing so much worry and trouble to the people who love you? i find myself hating a particular someone for being , hmm how shld i say this, hypocritical. about him declaring, surrendering, choosing to commit during altar call yet say extremely different things the next moment/day. it sucks and im so angry about it. who are you to make promises and commitments you dont even want to try to fulfill?
in a way, it really reminded me about being faithful to the promises i made to God and to my ministry but really, im still pretty pissed. why choose to stubbornly live the life you plan out for yourself when you know, you know it well that God may have an even better plan for you that will help you achieve your fullest potential and to live life to the fullest? i just don't understand.

another thing i realised is that bgr really screws people up big time. ahhhh. i look and think of the person(s) i know and im like why?! i understand the temptations and raging emotions, but i cant understand a need for a physical manifestation of love when one can feel it so much and so overwhelmingly from God if you choose to seek Him. AHHH. sucks. i think im being rather emo here but there are some things on my mind that i can't stop thinking abt. anyhows, this camp really thought me to learn to be more secure and steady in my relationship with God and my caregroup especially.

im going to start street evangelism in the land tmr and im pretty excited and at the same time nervous about everything. i know im supposed to be like sanguine or something but i still need God's empowerment to open my spiritual eyes so that i'll be more effective. yeah.

i dont wanna be hypocritical.
i dont wanna be a lukewarm, halfway kid.

i choose to obey.
i choose to commit.
i choose to deny my life, to take up the cross and follow Jesus.

2007-11-29T11:51:00.000+08:00

it was for just a moment.
the look, the expression reminded me of much. nostalgia. but of course it will stop here. no more. i dont really understand why, i didnt understand back then. but maybe one day, when im courageous enough, perhaps i will ask and i guess i'll be surprised how foolish or stupid i was.
and see/realise that i am more matured and grown up now to make decisions and choices more wisely. (:

2007-11-27T02:20:00.000+08:00

YEAH. i finally decided to update!
haha i am FREE. i cant really believe that im actually free from all the exams, the stress and the inability to do alot of stuff because i have to study. but now that im truly free, i wonder why that i dont exactly feel as excited as i thought i would be! hmm. perhaps its cuz ive already been playing in the last week.
lots of things happened during the course of the exam period. many changes. many incidents. im happy to say that ive survived through it all and yes, indeed learnt alot through everything. of course, i know who helped me through it.

the passing of WeiCheng, an old RVChorale senior whom i never knew struck me rather deeply. although i dont know him personally, i am reminded of the fragility of human lives. so scary. one moment here, the next moment-? you never know. and i guess that really hit upon me. the urgency to do something to and for the people i love. i care abt. there are only a few things that truly truly matter.

one of the few things im looking forward to is X29! im really excited cuz this time, i'll be going through camp with my new group JCCA3, and yes, im very very excited abt it. we're gonna be so happening cuz we're a all girls group, dedicated and DETERMINED to do God's work. i really cant wait for our first meeting and getting to know each and everyone of you on a deeper level. yupp. (:

batam trip with RVChorale friends on 7th! strangely, this is more exciting to me than Prom. haha, i really cant wait to spend time with these crazy ppl whom i havent met in ages. im expecting really fun and enjoyable and fruitful (shopping and donuts!!) trip! (:

lots of things more. but im kinda tired so i'll post more tmr. haha. now that im free, ive more things to accomplish and complete. and im looking forward to a fruitful month ahead! (:(:

2007-10-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

goodbye to yvonne.
welcome to taesha.
can't really explain how it felt to be immersed in the water for the brief few seconds. but i knew that i was rather nervous/excited before that, and superly joyful after that. the image that Jasmine told me, it seemed so so real. need to ponder over it more. hmm.
im so glad im made the choice. i could have done it the last time round, but not too sure why, this time i was really really ready to be water baptised. and it feels real good to proudly declare that im a follower of God! yeah. (:
ineffable, really.

another very tiring week ahead. i dont think my teachers will be easy on me. i dont think i'll be easy on myself. but i really want to remind myself to stop whining. to stop thinking. to stop grumbling. to just work. and im not gonna to pursue dreams with an empty intent, with no purpose.
im gonna do it for and with You.

i'm more than just me and me alone.

2007-10-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

i havent blogged for a while. but i got an urge to blog today!
alot of things happened for the past few months.
mugging prelims. prelims. getting back results.
caregroup. history sentosa trip. rvchorale sleepover at sera's. class party. last day of school.
it seems as though my life has been passing too quickly in front of me. thinking back, it has been quite an eventful few months. one thing for sure, i've grown up quite alot.

my results. haha, okay i guess. there are marked improvements for ALL my papers which is a really good thing. i jumped two grades for econs-which is a true miracle. though i studied hard, i know there was more to it than just me and me alone. so thank God. (: for the past month, i wasnt the closest to God during the exam weeks, it was in fact in these two weeks when i learnt to depend on Him more. to be quiet and just to listen. (:

today i got to know of some stuff that hmm, truly made me doubt myself and what i dreamt. the signs God gave me couldn't be wrong, could they? it suddenly seemed alittle impossible esp when so many more zai ppl are going for it. i havent started much, havent prepared much. can i get it? is it truly meant for me? the confidence that i had before regarding this issue is slowly dwindling. is it a trap-these thoughts coming more strongly than ever in the week im taking SATS, in the month that im taking my As. God, will you reassure me once again and give me the spirit hope and i need!

busy busy busy weeks ahead. 28 days to the start of Alevels. im really not very prepared yet. looking at my math especially, i feel alittle scared. but what's wrong with having fears and doubts, they make me realise the importance of relying and depending on God. to tap on Jesus' power, peace and strength. what im most concerned with now is to do my best, give my all and wait on God. i feel secured knowing that there is a divine plan for me, that i have Jesus on my side. (:

im excited for the weekend!
Saturday, im waiting to see what God can and is going to do in my family. Sunday, a new Yvonne awaits. i can't wait to take my new name. taesha which means joy in latin. i want, need joy from God so that i can be the joy to the people around me. (:

peace I leave you.

2007-08-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

im gonna start my 40 day msn and internet fast from now on.
so expect to see me only 40 days later!

just before i go, i wanna share some stuff that i felt today.

another sign, from weiwen this time. coincidence again?
to be decided by the end of the week. my confidence in this has really grown though.
if it's meant to be, it will be.

knock knock.
ever thought what the doors/gates of heaven are like?
the doors of heaven aren't made of wood or steel.there're definitely not impenetrable.
in fact, you don't need to knock very hard. God hears it all the time. God hears it even before you decide to knock.
it's penetrable. God's hand can stretch down to give you a pat of encouragement on your head. or wrap you in His loving arms.
you'll find mercy, grace, love and understanding- all measured in terms of infinity.
and similarly, you can reach up and tug at Jesus' hand. and i know He'll let you and me do that all the time. 24/7.

busy, crazy weeks ahead.
loads of work, loads of trouble. lots of stress, lots of worries, lots of frustration. mugmugmug. workworkwork. i need to remember that the one who loves discipline loves knowledge. tired?
there's only one solution.

2007-08-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

i just thought of something today.
i dont know why, was showering just now, and i had this interesting thought, or shall i say reminder. im reminded that the best way to bless and love your shepherd is to be accountable for your own spiritual life. is to make sure you grow, that you're stable.
have you been accountable?
have you been truthful with your shepherd?
have you been doing your QT, and maintaining your prayer life?
have you been taking care of your spiritual life?
have you been taking care, not just taking care but also loving the people under your care?
i think these are things that i constantly ask myself. no whys, just like that.

i think the spiritual atmosphere in svc today was good. (:

had a great time with yanjun, simneh, victor and sera yesterday. though i vomited the guilin jelly and agar agar from the mini-competition, it was all good fun. the science park tour was good too. heh. really felt like a little kid and enjoyed myself immensely (: love you guys. <33

another sign yesterday! was talking to sera yesterday about me wanting to go to UPenn. then she said she was surfing online and looking a series of houses from this particular school cuz they were so nice. and she'll want to go because it'll be so nice living there. she said she wasnt sure which school it was but some Wharton School. Wharton School = UPenn right?
i was like wow. okay.
and my confidence and assurance in this issue increased. as suet said, God's showing me quite a few signs. but im still giving myself one week to decide. and when i say i will try, i will do my best. a promise. (:

im gonna start this week with Jesus! (:

2007-08-10T00:28:00.001+08:00

oceans will part.
i like the waters. i enjoyed my day today because i met God in the morning. my secret place with God. the place that is near the sea, yet not at the sea. where you can feel the sea spray, the sun shining and warming your skin. where you cannot see where the sea or the sky ends because they just merge so beautifully. blue on blue. where you can lift your arms and face to the sun, to the sky and feel the light breeze caressing your cheeks. the freedom. the hope. the light. it's a really wonderful place.
my secret place with God.

my worries and burdens i left there. most of it. taking away more, refreshment. and new-found confidence and assurance. i cried out. i praised. worshiped. prayed.

sea of love. deeper than the deepest ocean or sea or waters.
sky of grace. wider than any stretch of sky.

there i asked for a direction, for a sign. a clear clear sign.
as i was talking to Fungg about it, asking Suet abt it, it came through an unexpected person.

"Yo i know this is random. But i was reading your blog. Ya miracle rite. But i just wanna say that i also wanna go upenn! And i know if its Gods plan we'll go tgt:)"

coincidence? i don't think so. scared? very.
but i have confidence that if this is God's will, it'll be done. me- the vessel to be used and flowed, pushed to where and who needs me the most.

good day. when you spent your day with Jesus. the week ahead will be the deciding one. i will continue to look up for vision, for signs. around for opinions, for comfort and encouragement. to some people, this dream may be foolish. but it's not. and i know God thinks it's important too. wherever He calls, i will go. wherever i go, there He'll be.

secured.
and desiring to be more than just myself.

2007-08-07T23:51:00.000+08:00

heh, i'm taking a break from doing lit essay! i don't know why my paragraph is so so super long. it's like im taking up one page for one paragraph. at this rate, i'll never finish my essay! it's okay, i think im just gonna try my best and see how. (:

think God has special plans for each of us.
it's human nature to want to know what's in for us..but well, life can get boring if we know what's gonna happen to us the next moment right! i just realized this, and understood God's rationale for this. He wants us to depend on Him more. if we don't know what's gonna happen to us, we'll have to trust him and rely on him more, so that He can make things right. make sure we're on the right track yeah. makes more sense to me now why God doesn't want to reveal everything to us all the time. yepyep.

catch up.
aim high!

4 words that i'm gonna remember on this fight to do my best! =D

2007-08-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

short post cuz im gonna fall asleep any moment now.

i still havent finished my history but im on the way! i want to do a complete essay outline, not his style but that means ive to do more research. duh. but im too lazy lah, dragged too long.

over the weekend, i kept thinking about what's in for me after hwachong. i guess all these was spurred by the US/UK talks on Friday afternoon. i saw the college which i saw in the earlier part of the year. havent done much research on it, nor have i checked other colleges..but i know that if i'm going, i want to be there. UPenn. a dream.

i started wondering what it'll be like. and then i started asking myself what God wanted. then i asked God. my logical deduction is that if im to go overseas, if God wants me to go, He'll give me a scholarship because He knows that my family can't pay for me. and i don't want to burden them. but well, Fungmin reminded me on Sat night that i wouldn't know. cuz God would work in ways i can't predict, that i can't deduce. God doesn't work as i do, or think as i do. since i'm not God, then i shouldn't think too much.

the closer i am, the fewer the choices, the easier the choice.

i guess the only thing i can do now is to yearn and want to get closer to God, so that He'll revela His plans to me. but then again, i suddenly rmb what Tracy told me that day, that it'll be quite scary and un-exciting if i would to know everything God has for me, right? and i would try to escape, and go opposite directions. makes alot of sense right.
as i was trying to do history just now, Raphael came to talk to me, and what he said was really God-sent.
aim high, aim to do my best.
at the end of the day, God will take me to where He wants to.

that was exactly what i needed.

listening to You are the Music in Me. from High School Musical 2. haha. yes, it's not out yet, but i downloaded it form youtube, cuz it's really too nice. haha. it's really very sweet. haha. and when i read the lyrics, yes nice.
and i think it reflects what Jesus is to me too. very sweet. in this cause, Jesus' music and Joy in my heart (:

the msg God told me last week is still clear: CATCH UP.
God, here i come!! (:

2007-07-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

the war that we will win.
no, the war that is already won.

overwhelming/overpowering Love. everlasting Faithfulness.
Isaiah 16:5

jiayou fungmin!
God's gonna use this vessel to impact so many. im proud of you!

i dont know why i burst into tears when i knew that -- is coming! not because --'s someone particularly special to me, but cuz --'s someone i treasure and value as a friend alot. and also someone i've been praying for and about for quite some time. and even just now. thank you God, for showing me that it is possible. hope to see -- tmr!

i realised how foolish i was in sec 2. so insecure, so dumb, so miserable, so sad.
now i am secure in Your love.

2007-07-26T00:07:00.000+08:00

i really like spending time with Leeyang! had a great conversation over tea, hongkong toast and eggs. on the bus. in daiso. haha. it was a great way to spend the afternoon. i learnt alot from her too. i like it that we can talk about anything under the sun. yeah. happy happy (:(:

we went around Daiso like some cheapos, getting excited over little things which were so adorable and cute! pretty and cheap too! (:(: i bought this hello kitty mouse pad which my bro totally -.- over..a small whiteboard..paper cutters..ladybird clips which were too adorable to resist. heh. really excited to be able to go shopping again soon.

i took the step today. God, it's Your turn to move!
i really want you to come.

slept for 13 hours yesterday so i feel really energised today. haha. but i should still go sleep sooon. yeahs. somehow, i feel excited about what's to come! (:(:

HAPPY! =D

2007-07-23T15:51:00.000+08:00

i cut my hair!
okay, it's abit quirky. abit weird. abit nerdy. abit un-me. yes, i look like a mushroom. a pixie. an elf, maybe. i guess i just have to stick with it until it grows longer.

had a great dinner at Food Republic yesterday with the caregroup ppl. it was fun and i enjoyed myself! yeahs. great ppl to hang out with. the chay gui teow was really GOOD <3. style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);font-size:130%;" >and hello, i am NOT Hagrid! (is it spelt this way?) rahhs. heh. but thanks for giving me an interesting sunday evening! (:

HALF DAY TODAY. had lunch with 06A13 at the Hong Kong cafe in Cine. ooh. i like. act the mee sua thingy and the ham and egg and the hk style milk tea. NICE. i like the food and the ambiance. the chairs are comfortable and cosy. and i like the company! it was fun laughing at people. learning the chopstick game which fungmin was so noob in. the random jokes. great day! i'll definitely go back again to try the french toast and the desserts! :D

it was plain obvious.
i'm a little tired of looking out. esp when there is little response. or a fabricated or surface kind of response. what more can i do? i've already put and gave as much as i have and i'm wondering if i'm capable of giving more. i have my own life and i want to do well too. but sometimes, i just worry too much that it caps me. quite draining. i'm still waiting for you.
once bitten twice shy. it should apply here. what i can do, i'll continue to do, but how you respond, how you react is your business. it's God's business. you've changed, in such a short while. will you take the step when i've already taken so many?

no matter what, i know God's still on my side.

2007-07-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

the disappointment was hard to stomach and i really couldn't believe the words. i haven't felt like this for a long time and i guess the heartache was really too fast, too strong for me.
i still don't know why. i still don't know how. i still don't know what.
misunderstandings. false suspicions. but i'm glad they're all settled.
but will i ever get to know? maybe i will, maybe i already do.
but the way i hear it matters more to me than anything else.

i wonder what God gave me this for. it's a challenge to keep me on my feet, at the edge of my seat, so i have to depend. and depend fully on Him to get through this.
how to give up? how to let go when you've invested so much. too much.
but i can't stop loving. and won't stop loving.
i won't give up.

---

i really love my leaders.
they are people i can depend on, who listened to all my exclamations, my rantings and above it all, gave me advice, comfort and shoulders to lean on. part of the reason why i stayed stronger this time was because of my shepherd and my spiritual buddy. couldn't have got through these 2 days without them. spiritual friendships- they truly matter.
affected i may be, troubled i may be, but i'll get through because i know my leaders are praying for me and that against it all, God's on my side.

2007-07-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

i wonder why i feel so many kinds of emotions these few days.
pride. joy. love. pissed. disappointment. sian-ness. hope.
they come in waves and leave quickly too. i guess im not that kind of person who will remember many things. but wells, good and bad lah.

i'm still thankful that it came. (:

wanted to share this picture that God showed me last saturday, but i kept forgetting. i still can rmb what God said. what do you think the msg was? (:

i'm super duper excited for service tmr!! yeahs. (:

2007-07-10T21:21:00.000+08:00

ages ago, the name of my blog was called: to love and be loved.
heh. i didnt know it's actually from a famous (haha) writer/poet named Edgar Allan Poe.
so see, Yvonne Ho speaks wisdom too. haha. it's actually from a poem titled "Annabel Lee". go read it, cuz i think its really a pretty beautiful poem. very fairytale and dream-like, if you don't read between the lines to find the grotesque, ostensibly dark, disturbing, diseased, psychologically and emotionally unstable, futility of journey and the hidden vulnerability and fragility of the human world and efforts. HAHA! (:

i still live by that motto!
love is such a simple yet complicated matter. many people spent all their lives searching for love. some found it. some don't. are you in love with the idea of being in love? hmm, i guess it's really difficult to find a Love, so true and and pure and wholesome that it will not only sustain and last, but blossom and grow stronger with time.
are you looking for true love in the wrong place?

I've found my one true Love.

2007-07-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

alot of things has been happening for the past few weeks. to me i think.
fell down, and picked up.
failed, to receive growth.
learnt about spiritual tests yesterday. think it's scary to fail tests. you feel super guilty because you know you could have passed it if you were just a little more careful and cautious.
i remembered then, that God will give us a test in 2 weeks time. i realized that i failed it miserably.
this is the biggest slide i've felt.
but i'm certain it's the best lesson so far.
God told me that it is inevitable to fall down, to feel dry, to feel weary.
but the most impt thing is to climb up. and to be back on track again.

in a sense, i'm very happy that this came now cuz i think i'm ready for this. thinking about it, i don't think i'll understand or be able to take such stuff one year ago, or even 2 months ago. precisely because i am able to take the test, to take the failure or the success, that i was given it. so i feel privileged. at least God thinks i'm valuable enough to be molded, to be invested in. yeah.
i really want to get this out of the window and start afresh. i guess it's easy to want to take care of people, to be superly concerned about their spiritual lives that you forget yours. i think that's what happened to me. i forgot that i have to take care of myself. but now i've learnt my lesson. i realized that i'm impt as well. yeps.

why give yourself more than you can take? more than you can take in a few months, in a year's time? i don't know, that doesn't make sense to me lah. but well, i want to concentrate on my pastoral ministry now. wanted to like join hope resource cuz i think it's very interesting and i'll like to know and read more books and stuff. but wells, not now i guess.

i've a secret confession. sigh.

before i end, this is something that i saw while browsing through some hope blogs. this is from yhope choirblog! quite interesting and funny. (:(:

BIBLE TRIVIA

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. ( omygoodness tis is really lame.)

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school, they are way too smart...

'If I sold my house and my car,had a big garage sale,

and gave all my money to the church,

would I get into heaven?'

I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

'NO!' all the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day,

mowed the yard,

and kept everything neat and tidy,

would I get into heaven?'

Again the answer was,'NO!'

'Well,'I continued,'then how can I get to heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted,'You gotta be dead!'

2007-07-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

three word:
Back To Basics

2007-07-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

went to watch transformers yesterday!
with some ppl from class. i must say, i thought i would be some guy show. aka robots and cars and machines. surprisingly, i enjoyed it. i guess its queer to see that robots/machines can have human emotions and feelings like compassion, kindness, regret and loyalty. for 2 and 1/2 hours i was mesmerized by the smooth and cool transformations, the colourful and brilliant display of graphics and also a very fast-paced drama. well worth it. (:(:

yeah i like bumble bee.

2007-06-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

went SHOPPING today with some of the caregroup girls!
im Broke now. hahah. got alot of good bargains. a dress with 50% off so its only $19.95, a rather pricey but pretty shirt at $27.90(borrowed money to buy it! hah. thansk lilin.) a charm necklace at only $3.30 (cuz i bought it at 3 for 10 with yanyin) and silver kitten heels at only $7.50! hahahha.
heh. i really enjoyed myself alot cuz this bunch of girls are crazy, wacky, fun and super nice to talk and spend time with. im really super comfortable with these people. i once heard about how some girls only go shopping with people they're truly comfortable and feel easy with, the people who are closer to their hearts. i didnt used to believe this cuz i thought shopping is quite an universal thing. but i realised that its quite true for me! (:(: cuz i didnt feel a single ounce of uneasiness even when i tried on smt ugly or unflattering. haha. i love my caregroup! =D
the best after-exams (haha, sort of.) treat! (:(:(:(:

breakthrough!
today i see God's breakthrough for the hwachong group. two responded during altar call. and believe me, more are coming. yeahhs. the spark. amazing God!
and shaun just reminded me that during camp, Pastor Jeff said that we'll have a breakthrough in the second week. and isnt this the SECOND WEEK?! cool~

i was thinking about it while bathing. perhaps sometimes its not very wise or good to do things that isnt for you. rather than reaching for some goal that will never suit you and that you can never bless people with, why not be satisfied with the roles we have now and EXCEL in them?

i think God's really awesome. on wed when i was feeling super sian and tired and weary after studying for exams, i saw an encouragement card from one of my sheep, Leeyang in the middle of my sermon notes..it was something from a while ago but i didnt notice it..it really cheered me up and reminded that hard work for & with God produces fruits. plus plus. Lilin gave me an card for shepherd's appreciation (which was awhile ago) but wells, it doesnt matter even if it came late, cuz i really feel very appreciated and comforted by the card. yeahs. thank God for these sheep! (:(:
i really love to love them, cuz they're such lovable sheep! (:

haha this post is actually meant for30th July 2007. but i was taling to ppl so lagged a abit. heh.

im striving for excellence.

2007-06-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

cg photo in an Empty right wing!

had a very refreshing caregroup today! i really enjoyed the discussion cuz it was really meaningful and insightful. besides, i learnt alot more about the opinions, views, and histories of each person. so im really happy (:(:
my first time doing worship. okay i screwed up alittle in the beginning but hopefully i was more spirit-led for the rest. heh. thanks to you guys for being okay about the high-ness of the songs..and JIEXUN for his patience when working with the noob me! (:(:

i didnt realised until today how difficult and different it is leading worship and worshiping as a member. but wells, the underlining similarity is giving a heart of worship.

the unsettledness. the restlessness.
i must admit i didnt know it was so serious. but its definitely smt worrying. but wells, things are surely gonna improve. yeahh.

LOVE
so undeserving yet so generously overflowing.

2007-06-22T21:48:00.001+08:00

today has been unproductive day and im quite angry with myself. bleah. anyways, im just gonna keep studying later untill i finish my history. -.-

anyways, i was just thinking just now during QT.

i think God is really very smart.
He does things to keep me how shall i say this, safe and focused, even before i know how i feel or may feel! and i guess this is really not the first time. so yep, im quite amazed. really proves how all-knowing Jesus is, rights. quite cool.

im quite excited for somebody's bday celebration tmr. heh. really. and yes for service too.
i promise that i will mug mug mug today and tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow.
but i'll be glad when all these are over man.

2007-06-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

hah. finally got onto blogger to blog. okay just gonna blog abit before i go bathe then off to mugging. again.

heh. today's a really super tiring day. had a 3 hour long math lesson which was ---so draining. really. felt quite tired after that. but i think mugging was rather fruitful! i finished more than half of my MP, taking about eh 4 hours? okay, not v. fruitful. but it was a difficult topic yeah.

anyways, i really ENJOY mugging with WEIWEN! (:(:(: haha. she's really cute, funny and superly humorous! very good sense of humour and i think we really can talk about anything under the sun. haha, she has really really made my mugging today more un-boring! haha entertaining me and also teaching me stuff. very smart girl. rmb our weird convos about couples and all that. heh, brings a smile on my face! hahaa. love ya loads. heh.

rather disappointed with SATs results. i guess i shouldnt have expected much but well, i did expect to do better. hmms. nevermind. lesson learnt. dont take things too lightly.

but well, most impt stuff now is my blocks then after that my Alevels. yep, i dont know if i'll do well for this blocks, most likely not. but i will really mugg super super hard for my As!! yeah yeah.
all the way for Jesus!! (:(:(:

shepherding with Fongyee on saturday. to be honest, im really very excited =D
Jesus, i need and want to study with YOU!!!

2007-06-18T01:50:00.000+08:00

i was doing my holy comm preparations and surfing the net for pictures. and i saw lots which made alot of sense. and i guess they really woke me up alittle and also yup, motivated me. just wanna share some. yups.

among the most this last one: missing, made alota sense to me. and oh my, really quite sad. imagine you're one of those missing.

thank you Jesus, i love you.

2007-06-17T21:59:00.000+08:00

haha. i havent blogged much cuz i was really very very busy with alot of things. yes, but i must say they were all very meaningful stuff so i dont regret. im just need to blog about some stuff before i become a full-time mugger!!

FIRST FRONTIER
this is my 3rd camp! and for this camp, i was really involved in quite a number of stuffs. perhaps yeah not as busy as my leaders, but i was quite overwhelmed by the amount of things i had to do. but well, its all very very worthwhile cuz i learnt alot, gained alot of experiences and also made alot of friends. GAP, games drama and ushering. Gap was the most hiong cuz there were alot of practices and rehearsals even before camp. but i guess its really through all these that i got to know Katarina, Daixuan and Kim alot better! plus also Jon, Melvin and the band. plus the dancers! i really think we did rather well and im sure God must be smiling when we performed cuz i think we enjoyed ourselves while serving God. YEAH. well done everyone!! (:(:(:
okay yes and through the games drama thingy, i got to know a few of the church leaders. believe me, they are not who they seem. haha. i dont really know them very very well lah. but at least i get to see other sides of them. haha. hope that i'll have more chances to work and get to know them better in time. cuz they really seemed so nice. (:
yes, im so happy that all 3 of my sheep went for camp. i think they really experienced alot and made alot of wise and brave commitments to God.
to Lilin and Leeyang, im really really super happy and grateful that you guys were holy spirit baptised!! yeahs. and i know you're gonna experience so much so much more with the Holy Spirit dwelling in your hearts. (:
to Fongyee, pls rmb that im in this with you yeah. and you're not alone in this seemingly difficult job. know that God's work is never impossible. miracles are on the way!
SHEEPs! im so proud of you guys! =D

i was really very very refreshed.
God gave me new insights, new goals and new visions that really enpowered me alot. i felt very spirit-led in the things i say and i can really feel God's presence alot closer and more keenly than before. i see a breakthrough in my life when my brother decided to follw Jesus all the way. thank God, im really very grateful for this spiritual awakening in my brother.

haha. i had a weird dream on thursday morning. i dreamt of Shirley-reprimanding me. its actually rather scary cuz its true. hmm. quite weird that i rmb that dream but i guess its prob God reminding me through my dream about the importance about putting aside my fear or embarrassment for His kingdom. wells.

i love camp and how it brings revival.

CHOIR FAREWELL
its really super amazing and scary. cuz the juniors really went all the way to give us a very very good farewell. im really touched your efforts. thanks you guys. when we played the strings game, it was really touching to listen to all the stories and moments in our term. to some extent, i feel rather guilty cuz although i feel alot for this choir, i didnt feel enough? hmm i guess so. but well, i will still remember HWACHONG CHOIR which has really given me alot of dramatic memories- tears, joy, exasperation, satisfaction. to those ppl who i havent give you my notes, heh sorry they will come. soon. haha.
and to a few special ppl who really made a mighty big difference to my choir term in rioHC:
Sarah
Seraphina
Kaixuan
Kimberly
Jonathan
Miaoqin
Zoe
Lilin
Suet
Huiying
Yu Han
Lynnette
Defeng
Jason
Xinyi
Luosha
and Ms Lim
and many others who i never include here. you guys matter.
a big THANK YOU.
lets really keep in touch alrights. and you guys, keep singing!! this drama digimon hwachong choir batch 06-07 is really amazing. terrific. fantabulous. super ZAI. yeah. (:(:(:(:((:

alrights, time to go will update soon. hopefully. haha. (:

Sunday 17 June 2007

2007-05-30T01:36:00.001+08:00

new skin. actually i dont know why i chose this. i actually chose another but that stupid skin is really hard to use. this is like done in 5 mins. rahhhs. okay, i'll prob change it again soon if i dont like it. heh. sian. bye.

2007-05-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

it has been ONE month since i updated. was really busy with all that choir stuff. got so much to say.. and i dont really know how to start.

GOLD WITH HONOURS.
i know its late to talk abot this now, but for me, tis is one of the biggest acheivements in hwachong so far. its really significant cuz we really slogged for it. i cant exactly describe my feelings. cuz the moment of revelation was just too magical to be put in words. the joy and laughter and screams of joy are emotions that i will never ever forget.
God prove it to me once again that He's on our side.
none of us understood, none of us expected it. but God gave it to us.
not because our performances deserve it, but i guess cuz He wanted to give us this miracle.
to show us that nothing is impossible for our God.
now do you believe? i really thank God for giving me friends who shared the faith with me, who prayed and supported me. with God, we really pulled through.
that was one of my happiest moments in my hwachong choir history!

Cantare.
spectacular performance. heartwarming. incredible. miraculous. powerful. blasting. loving.
THE BEST.
my 3rd time in esplanade. my best concert so far. it was really good. i felt so good singing. the first time i went higher than my own expectations for Jaccobin. my best blasting ringing like siao high high B. it was the first time i actually felt like crying so many times when singing cuz i could feel the music so well.
we proved ourselves to be SO deserving of the Gold With Honours man. our Jap Game and Mate Saule was even much better, stronger, deeper than SYF. the SOps were riging like crazy and the rest of the choir supported us so well. amazing.
its all worth it. the late nights. the tears. the frustration. the worry. the sleepless nights. the weariness. the scoldings. the continuously long practices. the tensed atmospheres. the fury. the extra practices. the phone calls. all worth it when Ms Lim said we were the BEST.
the joy and shall i say, relief that i felt at the moment was totally indescribable.
thank God we ended well, super well, fantastically well. YEAHH.

thank you guys, for giving me such a wonderful concert. a wonderful end to my choir term. i feel super super accomplished. really.
thank you Lord, thank you Ms Lim, thank you Sarah and my dear dear Sopranos esp the J2s, thank you J2s for the angsty Si Nannay, J1s for being the sweet juniors, thank you Ms Ho for being so caring and genuinely concerned for us.
thank you all my friends who came to support us- Yanjun, Songhua, Hwachong Caregroup, 06A13, my family. special thanks to Tracee, my shepherd, and Fungmin, my spiritual buddy, for always being there to support, encourage and just give me a morale booster when i needed friendship love and concern these few weeks. so many ppl to thank.
i feel really loved.

i had a miracle during the concert. after my high pitch screeching or you can call it screaming for Jaccobin, i started shaking/shivering. dont ask me why, i dont know. my throat was really hurting quite badly and i could feel myself going hoarse. the next song was Mate Saule and i needed to sing my B and to pull the music. i remembered my prayer before i went on stage and kept praying inside my head while singing MotherSun.
miraculously, i heard an internal click. and my next high note was suddenly so easy to reach and crescendo and blast. and it was a nice sound too. thats why my last B was good, cuz God helped me. praise Him! (:(:

CREDO. i believe. i believe my Jesus.

im so glad our the choir stuff is over, although i feel alittle sad cuz it was the last time that im going to sing in a school choir. now. now. now, i can do Your work. now i can concentrate on the things that have an everlasting significance. YEAH.

my camera's spoilt again. but, im still waiting my my miracle, and im sure it will come. yeah.

my heart is ready.

2007-04-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

this week has been a vastly interesting one. it was tiring but i dont know why, i feel rested and ready to chiong for whatever im doing or aiming for! the outing with leeyang on tuesday and the dinner i had with tracee, fung, oli, junhua, karweng and hongwei today was really refeshing and relaxing. haha, i havent laughed so much since- i dont know when! it was fun, talking and laughing and slamming some school with hongwei cracking and being so emo abt the table tennis match. although i wasnt there to watch the finals, it was candidly described over dinner and i could almost feel the tension! im really proud to be a hwachongian. recalling my AC days, no offense, but i began to understand why God put me here. (:(:
the spirit, as cliche as it sounds, is what i experience here. and sincerely, im very proud of peiyu. competing with a national player is certainly no mean feat. (:(:(:

i just realised that my SAT test is round the corner and guess what, im still at word list number five. hahah. sheesh really have no time to study. but whatever it is, i want to put in my best cuz i really dont wnat to take it again.

after hearing what nj choir is putting in to train and prepare for SYF, i began to feel just a little jealous and scared. not really jealous but more of envious lah. cant help thinking and hoping that ALL of my choir friends and juniors have the same kind of persistent will and desire for the GWH. like what ruixiong said, every batch starts a new chapter. we dont depend on our seniors' acheivements, but we can live up to it.
is this story going to have a happy ending or a disappointing one? cliche words again but the ending is in our hands. really hope to feel more of the music soon.
i want. i crave. i desire. i fight.
what about you?!

i hope choir ends before 330pm tmr.
i really really really want to go for service tmr. i want to pray and sing and worship with my brothers and sisters. i really do. God, grant me this simple wish. please.

not exhilirated about the change. but well, i think it'll be better for the growth and maturing of the group. so i really await more good things to come our way. a strong team needs devoted members who are willing to learn, fight and win the battle with us.
are you up for it? are you willing to commit to it?
God, i just pray for more guidance and vision for both groups!

my simple wish.

2007-04-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

went with LEE YANG to watch 200 Pounds Beauty today! initially i thought it'll just be a normal chick flick with lots of laughter and all that. surprisingly, it was actually good. plastic surgery is definitely not my thing, but this show helped me understand why ppl go for it and the difficulties, which we often missed, these ppl face when trying to fit back into society. and i realise something else. talent, heart and soul cannot be judged by appearances. of course, looks matter to a certain extent. cliche as it is, inner beauty is more important. yepyep. oh my, im not lesbian or anything, but i think Kim Ah Joon is super pretty, she has this innocence that's rather alluring. haha. oh, i think the OST is superb. will recommend the show to those who like korean movies, those who like good soundtracks and concert scenes, those who feel like losing weigth. hahaha. i will try the okinawa diet. haha.

restricted and constricted. that's how i feel in choir sometimes. it's like i have alot that i want to offer, but not able to. hmm, i guess i cant complain much. im already starting to get more involved in voice and music in choir...but sometimes i wonder, is it enough? so much to do. so little time. so little chances. will you give me the chance to do it? and i f i ever become too mean or aggressive in choir, pls tell me.

i dont like hypocrites. nor two-faced ppl. nor ppl who kept trying to justify or defend themselves for smt that is not very right. whywhywhy? geez. i dont really know who to trust now except for a few of them. bleahx.

i want more of your heart.

2007-04-20T23:42:00.000+08:00

God never fails and i finally got smt! really happy. happy. (:(:(: imagine my feelings when i got that letter, that msg. wow. my heart was like flying. thank you for making the effort to try.
to you, you know who you are, thank you. and i really look forward to a more fruitful friendship.
(:(:(:

i apply what i learn! haha. today, went out with seraphina ho to buy my brother's pencil case. im such a nice sister. heh. (: and i really had alot of fun and it felt really good talking to her abt anything under the sun. felt really at ease. thank you, SERAPHINA HO. for always being so compliant and so easygoing. i really relaxed alot today. heh. really love you for that =D and heh. i really hope and pray that we'll get our prize! *wink wink* heh. you know. (:

oh my, why do i sound so emo today? heh. dont know why. perhaps all the ranting and whining helped. big thank you to those who tolerated my whining and ranting! was feeling really quite stressed about choir today. about my sops, myself, my choir and about sitting on the fence. but i will do what i think i should. at least i wont go against my conscience. (:
tmr's another choir day. long but hopefully meaningful and VERY fruitful. loads of people to train tmr, so i really need alot of wisdom, good memory, patience and also confidence.
God, this i need your strength. help help.

not helpless but power-filled.
for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2007-04-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

i told myself today that i should stop being pessimistic and just do what i can. no matter what others said or complained about ---, i cannot join in mainly because i cant. who will, if i give up? of course i know its difficult to work on ---, especially if the possbility of being disappointed is so so high. but if God didnt give up on me, what right do i have? ive got so many things i want to do, i just hope that i'll be able to find time this week to do all of these things that i think may help. slow and steady. dont lose faith, yvonne.

i just realised today that i really had improved alot since last years. my msg is better and i guess im more confident now. if i can improve at this slow but steady rate, i'll reach what i aim for. i just need discipline, tenacity and lots of faith and dependence on God. yepyep. no saying giving up, no matter what. (:(:(:

i warned myself NO. although the setting is so similiar to then--the position of my things, the situations and even the conversations. nothing is going to make me do it again. not ready to, and no desire for it. studies is and will be my focus till the end of year. that and other things that will last for the eternity. yeah. (:(:(:

2007-04-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

surprisingly, choir actually did better today. yes, there were like still alot of mistakes and all that, but well, a sign. but then again, we are so inconsistent. but well, i realised that praying helps. so yes, before prac or any combines, i will make sure i catch sometime with yuhan,sarah and/or anyone elseto pray before we fight. yeahs.

God really answered my prayers.
i prayed that i wouldnt get lower than a D for GP cuz i really didnt want to do badly. i wanted a C at the very least. and when Mrs Goh gave us back our essays, i scraped a C!
i prayed that i will retain the D for my lit(passed my prac crit). and guess what, God gave me a C again!! yeah. happy happy. (:(:(:
hmm, i guess for BT1, all my grades improved, except for GP. for GP, i really need to work on my vocab and language and i think God wants to teach me a lesson--to not be satisfied or proud of what iam currently. must look towards the future. and for the improved grades, its really like God encouraging me to continue to work hard, telling me that it is not impossible to achieve better grades.
then again, i must not be complacent or even satisfied cuz there's still alot of room for improvement. yepyep. i will work hard!! (:

i know im not supposed to feel this way. but im just rather....uncomfortable knowing that. i shouldnt be feeling this. not at this time. not anymore. but its just weird lah. sighsigh.

2007-04-07T01:55:00.000+08:00

set free.
i feel alot happier today. dont know why, perhaps its cuz i spent the morning with God's people, remembering Jesus' death and his victory when he resurrected.
or maybe its cuz i really relaxed at home today, entertaining people, watching A Cinderella Story (Chad Michael Murray!) and yeah, just lazily sing songs to myself, msg ppl, read my storybook....relaxing day. and im really rather refreshed now, ready to take on the impossible! (:

im blessed to bless.
to love and be loved.

2007-04-06T01:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes its hard to get ppl to see your point. perhaps ive been always so jovial (i think), agreeable and ya, casual abt things that ppl dont take me seriously. sorry, please look closer. i guess everyone has their share of experiences of being helpless. i felt it so strongly today when i was singing and then when i was talking to ms lim. kept asking why and how? relax. how to? its one freaking month to syf, how can i relax?

the tears in her eyes made my heart go all the way out for her. she really really loves us. so much. do you realise? im no longer angry, was never angry this year cuz i know she's the most worried. sigh. tired and weary. much as these describe us, dont they describe her as well? more, i will say. perhaps you think she's just being nonsensical. just being difficult. just being fussy. imagine youself in her shoes, how will you behave to group of ppl whom you love and want to do well?

its not the first time i felt helpless. and useless. persistent thought already. what holds me up is the love for music and singing. and the desire to attain the GWH.
capable? no doubt. desire? not enough.
all that i had learnt from rv, where did i chuck them to? various reasons. but perhaps, its time to dispel them and just go all the way. not be concerned abt what they may say, but what my conscience says. the thing is, will they accept?
YOU. ME. stop being wishy-washy. stop being uncertain. stop being reluctant. no more time.

spent some time ranting to God just now. just throwing alot of questions, whining, telling Him how i felt. how desperate and depressed and totally stressed i am. yes, everyone is stressed. but when you have three months of non-stop trials happening to you, will you be like me? worn out and just a little burnt out? thats what im feeling now. not ready to give up or give in to the devil, but just a little tired. a little down. sometimes i ask myself, how long is this going to last? how am i able to sustain all the way when im already so weary now? whining whining whining. then i'll try to encourage myself by saying that it will get better. it can only get better. then something worse or just as bad will happen. difficult to understand when you're not in my shoes. when everything piles up, one after the other, sometimes with several piling and rolling over each other. God, i need to whine. just let me whine for a moment. just a moment.

6 weeks. cant go for service. think this is the biggest trial of all. testing my ability to sustain spiritually. i cant die cuz i have my sheep to think of. cant die cuz i have my brother to think of. cant die cuz ive my choir friends to think of. cant die, cuz im a child of God.

fallen but never beaten.
God, remind me this through the course of the week. there is no way i can live life without you, God. so dont leave me alone. dont leave me helpless. no matter what i do, or say. not do or not say. dont give up on me.

Jesus, i leave choir, my cg, my sheep, my family and myself in Your hands.

2007-04-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

i realised that i havent blogged much lately, neither have i been reading others' blogs..so i took time today to run through i few blogs..i missed alot my friends' recent views on their lives since i havent been reading the blogs..but im glad to say that i didnt miss alot cuz i know whats happening in their lives. or most of it. that made me happy...heh. =D

up till now, i got back math, history, DRQ(economics) and compre (GP). i didnt get S for math, i got a D! ahha. to me, its already an improvement, God telling me: hey you are improving! slowly but surely! and this really boosted me to wanto try harder, to do better!
for history, at least the international part of it, ive upgraded to a B! yeah. okay, i bet alot of ppl did well, and yeah 66/100 is probably considered rather lousy comparatively. but again it shows that i can improve. contrary to what some ppl might say abt my essay skills. rahh. but then again, its not enough, i need to do alot better, so that means ive to get help!
econs!!!!disappointing so far. studied super hard, but got a what D. terrible. just praying that i'll do better for my essay! GP is atrocious. a D again. placing my hopes on essay again. rahhs.
i tried my best, so yeah. thats all.

there was this ugly and big cyst like thing on my eye for the past few days. i think it first appeared last thursday. and grew bigger and more painful on saturday. yesterday it was totally uncomfortable that i had to wear specs. in addition to the lousy feeling was the extended choir comm meeting that lasted till 945pm, feeling feverish and horrid. it was a bad day, and i was rreally feeling sorry for myself.
*i prayed for a cab and in precisely one minute, God provided a cab for kai(who unfortunately sprained her foot during captains' ball) and i, so i reached home just after 10. didnt do all the things that i planned to do, but fell asleep soundly after bathing.
woke up this morning with the cyst thing discharging some pale yellow thing (i assumed its pus). but the fever left me with just cough and headache. so i decided not to go to school. the doctor said its dirt accumulation, so i have to refrain from contacts these few days (NOO!) and i was given eye ointment plus loads of other medicine ive always get. but the doctor assured me that my eye will heal in no time and i was REALLY happy (:(:(:!

thank you God for listening to the prayers. thanks to all those who cared, prayed and asked (:
i feel lovedd. (:

my respect for johnathan kee has increased after listening to him telling us what his goal is and him recounting the experiences from the last SYF.
it gave me hope.
i dont know what, but i trust him and his views that we can definitely do much much much better than imagined. yes the word 'potential' has been overused. but to me, it is true. there is so much we can reach. and i think we really are moving to another direction, different from the rest of the choirs.
into our very own class. genre. type.
and it really boosts my tired and weary heart and pushes me to want more. to desire more. to see what we can be become a reality.

how? i think we not only need to work hard, work smart. but also with HEART and SOUL. i think we already reached a stage where pitching and rhythm are more or less done. and fixed. whatever has been said are said and it only requires us to rmb and to put it into practice and into our music. we need the heart of the music. the musicality. the soul of music. sounds abstract? but we need to feel the lyrics and convey the story. we need to interpret and describe our version of warmth.
the hwachong version of music.
added to these, i believe that we need divine intervention. we need God's strength and wisdom. and passion. so yes, yuhan! we must start the prayer group!!

these 2 weeks has been an emotional rollar coaster for me. ups and downs.
distress. hope. disappointment. joy. anger. accomplishment.
ive seen the worse side of ppl and also the loving and compassionate side of those who love me.
yet , i know God's still here. expressing His love through the ppl who love me, strengthning, molding and reminding me abt myself by showing me the ugly sides of human nature and contempt.

Jesus, i want to shine shine shine!

2007-03-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

i passed my math with a S!!
haha. although its just a subpass, i must say its a good start. at least i know i can pass okay. haha.with consistent hard work, im so going to get my A at the end. (: i was saw happy when i saw yingtse's msg today. hahahahaha. cant help grinning and grinning. (:(:(:

i think exams are really really exhausting. after so many nights of frenzy and lack of sleep, i was really tired yesterday. especially after history and 15-6 pages of writing. my handwriting was totally awful and huge btw. the sorrows of an Arts student. sighsigh. had to go for choir after that. wah, i was totally braindead. like lilin, i was floating alittle. haha. though choir practice turned out to be rather fruitful and ya, good. drilling details may be tiring and taxing on both Ms Lim and us, but the results are not bad.
im suddenly having more hopes of our choir getting Gold, and even Gold with Honours!! (:

im reading this book called: Once I was a Princess, which i borrowed from the library. you know, im only half way through the book, and i already felt so entrenched in the autobiography. so much horror, fear and grief expressed. seriously. sigh. cant help feeling how lucky i am. (: will talk about it more after i finish the book.

2007-03-24T23:49:00.000+08:00

Faith never fails.
God will always fulfill His promises.
thats what i learnt today when He gave me those pleasant surprises.
rewards and motivation for me to continue working, persevering and trusting that God has the best and will give only the best.
im optimistic about the road ahead. very. very positive. (:

Jesus, its no wonder why i worship you!!

2007-03-22T00:54:00.000+08:00

although its kinda late/early now, and im supposed to be either studying or sleeping. but im still online. basically i havent been online much for the past 2 weeks. and i suddenly feel like i very no life. hmm, so i spent quite a few hours on the com today, cuz i have no lit paper tmr and i simply feel like slacking.

sometimes, what you think you want may not be what you'll get. i guess God works in weird ways. its weird cuz i felt it so strongly and i really believe it with all my heart. yet it seems so impossible. the chances look so dim.
when i was doing QT the day before, i suddenly realised smt.
perhaps, what i felt wasnt wrong.
God's just giving me smt that i didnt expect but has the same effect. so i guess no matter how hard it is, i must learn to trust God and believe that He has the best and wants the best for me.
for the foolishness of God is wiser than man..
i just have to keep reminding myself abt this.

smtimes, you just cant get wat you want. cuz its the best thing to do or want now. and smtimes you just cant help wanting it because you aint suppose to want or have it. i guess there's nth wrong as long as you take control of your actions and not like what you want determine what you do. right? i guess its hard to not succumb to temptations. to desires.
but well, self control. discipline. and hope- knowing that what comes later will be better.
much better.

sounding philosophical today. haha. too much studying. haha.
wanna go sentosa sooooon~

2007-02-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

havent blog in awhile.
wanted to find a picture to describe what God showed me last friday. but couldnt find an apt one.

a boat in a storm. a raging storm. the boat straddling helplessly in the midst of the storm. lost hopeless desperate scared. then a hand steering the little boat to shore.
i was the boat and God's hand will steer me out of this.
this msg came at the exact right time. i was feeling so desperate, so heartbroken and God really reassure me and gave me a renewed heart. hope.
just yesterday, i was disappointed once again by the reactions. felt really dejected and helpless. i thought, perhaps im not good enough, not nice enough, not caring enough. i found myself lacking. but wow, the QT passage the CLs chose was Psalm 139. how apt.

Psalm 139: 9-10
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was immensely comforted. and i felt myself at peace again. then God pointed another verse to me.

Psalm 127:1
1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.

i havent entrusted the task to God enough. ultimately im not the overall incharge. so i shld just depend on God more, and let Him do His thing. (:
yeah, thank God cuz i really needed this assurance and comfort. and where else can i get this kind of peace but from my Jesus?

-------

a blooming rose. falling outer petals.
i was really disturbed, very freaked by this picture that God showed me this morning. kept thinking abt it. even during QT just now, i was wondering if anything could be done? am i supposed to do smt? of course it's not only my problem, which makes the matter worse isnt it.
i know it's common for such a thing to happen. i mean, yeah, its normal. even inevitable. but how can God's kingdom, God's work be common, be normal?
God's work, His kingdom is uncommon, supernatural, supernormal. so it will not be what the world may be.
if we are to be the example of a big group that is able to sustain, if we have been so so so blessed so far, how can we fall short? no way. i believe, commonality will not happen to us if we do something about it. if we seek God about it. no use waiting for something to happen, waiting for help to come from above when we dont ask, dont fight, dont try. sounds rather radical but well, i really think its a warning. a sign of caution.

-------
back to choir tmr. my throat's feeling weird, which is BADDDD.
but well, i'll just have to spam water and pi pa gao.
yeah service tmr! =D

2007-02-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

from this it is very obvious that the person who cries wins the game.
and who gets the blame? the other.
more often than not, this other is me.

2007-02-10T22:57:00.000+08:00

ARES owned Dramafest! (:

we won 3 out of 7 awards.
Best Actor-Rui-An!
oh my i was so proud of him. when he said his lines accurately on friday, junhua and i were like grabbing each others' hands with immense joy cuz we knew that he had already nipped the prize. my goodness. (: (: (:
Best Supporting Actors-ARES.
esp MOGs! oh my. another award for our actors. esp the MOGs who had to endure the thick ugly disgusting scary makeup. jinyan, qinsheng and bryan. very very proud of them. not to forget the other guys from the cast- yuxuan, ezra and simchun. =D
Best Ensemble-backstage, lighting, sound and MAKEUP-US!!
you know i didnt realised that the prize was for us as well till today. i thought it was meant for backstage. no wonder olivia got us to take a picture with the trophy! haha. but well well. after the first night everyone was commenting that Ares' makeup too thick. sorry, this is called professionalism. if you want to perform, you shld look the best. and thats with the full attire, or armour. im glad we followed our instincts with the makeup as it brings out the personalities of the characters! (: (: (: (: (:

i was actually quite confused when apollo got best play. i thought artemis would get it. but well, the judges were kinda weird. anyways, not gonna be the sore loser cuz we are the winners.
although, i still think yiming deserves the Best Actress award. yes, Claire acted well, she could enunciate better, she had better stage presence. but well, yiming was a truer actress. her emotions were better expressed. it was her best yesterday. i felt cheated for her. rahh. but well, we know who deserve to win, dont we. oh well, i sound so angsty here. HAHA.

yep here are the pictures.

J2 makeup artists with our well-deserved trophy! (:

bryan the MOG and me

with MOGs and Ryan

with our Best Actor! michael (:

MOGs. haha their makeup cool right. done by junhua and me! =D

Costumes and Makeup. Ares. Dramafest 2007.

some 06A13 girls with Mr Teh looking rather weird. haha.

the guys were trying to do something to gao bin.....wonder what?!

hahaha. dramafest was really a very interesting and exciting experience. right now, i'll be going back to choir. seriously, im kinda excited to go back.
my throat will be fine soon. cuz Jesus will heal me--that i believe.
i'll blog abt my birthday celebrations tmr. (: yeahs.

i dont believe it's gonna end here. there will be more. more.

2007-02-02T23:09:00.000+08:00

both my shepherding sessions today were rescheduled. hmm. its okay, this gives me more time to prepare a better lesson for my sheep. yeah yeah.

starting to drift apart. can feel it, and somehow, i cant help feeling a little sad. hmm and well, i can understand that cuz there's now a lack of smt. closeness i guess. oh maybe cuz of the added.....level. secrets. hmm, im not really used to it, but i am getting used to it. sounds ironic. haha. but yeah, i guess this gives me a chance to explore other areas. with other people. and not be forever stuck on one area. blessing in disguise? yep i guess so.

i really liked the discussion during PE today. haha, yes, we weren't doing pe, but slacking at the classbench. (we're sick!) i was trying to do math, but ended talking abt stuff. talking abt our churches, spiritual lives, sermons (which yingtse called lectures accidentally, haha), etc. and learnt more abt each other. i found it fruitful, and somehow, it gives me a chance to start thinking how to go on sowing. i believe its my turn, this time.
help me step out more, Lord. (:

okay, i know this is like kinda late, but well, im just gonna post a number of photos.

Orientation Campfire 2007

a very spiritual picture. HAHA.

hongwei and me acting cute.

the guys. spasm?!

see the girls so pretty..

yeah, im taller than shijia!

karweng & me. both of us look weird. haha.

oh-li and me!

princess lyly and me!

special class math partner, yingtse & me (:

someone i havent seen for a long long time.
Yien, our ice-skeating date!!

Open House 2007

Soprano SLs -Sarah and Yvonne =D

Sop SLs dont really like Johnny...
haha, Sarah really looks like she wants to beat him up.
oh my, i wonder what i was thinking.
shld crop out my picture.....
HAHAHAH

kenneth and yvonne. we so cool~

how come lilin so funny de...haha.

choir ppl can be weird sometimes..hmm. XP

Christmas '06 with hwachong choir (so long ago pls!)

some of us went to Sarah's hse for stayover

on the last day of Carolling, we helped a guy propose to his girlfriend.
cool right. it was really romantic. all of us were aw-ing away.. (:
and of course, the lady agreed (:

zoe hoh and mee!!

cookiemonster-xinyi and me!

seraphina and me!

haha. thats all for now. hmms.
STJ tmr.
Choir tmr.
SERVICE tmr. ooooh yeah. im excited (:
toodles! =D

2007-01-29T21:44:00.000+08:00

my phone's still lost out there.
obviously, its still in the hands of someone. bleahx. well, this is really God's lesson for me to be less forgetful. sigh, this is the 3rd time i lost a phone. and shall i say the feeling is not very nice. at all. imagine losing over 400 contacts. sighsighsigh.
but one thing i got from this was that i realised how loved i am (: a big thank you to all you guys out there who calmed me down, who helped to msg and call my phone so many times, who prayed for me. yep, really appreciate it. even from those ppl who i didnt expect will care.
really a blessing in disguise. (:

the 3 numbers i rmb when i lost my phone was T, S and Z. why ah. i think this is weird weird weird. but im not gonna think more. wonder. its not good to wonder. i know the look, i rmb. but well, i guess perhaps i thinking too much. yepyepyep.

my prayer worked!!!!
im so terribly glad and grateful .thank you Jesus for making my wish come true. now im even more convinced that you're gonna do GREAT things this Sat. wow. cant believe it.
Jesus, you're too miraculous. (:

the Holy Spirit encouraged me yesterday during QT. and it really made me so excited and convicted that i quite rolling in my bed with excitement.
a prayer group in choir! (:
yes. i think its high time that i, we entrust choir and our lives into God's hands. and seek God's guidance, strength, power, perseverance and love. esp for us J2s, who are already feeling so stretched, drained and weary. i think God for this conviction. and im sure He's really gonna bless us with His presence this wed at our 1st J2 choir prayer meet.

i know i promised photos. but im too tired. i think im becoming more and more crazy with every second, esp when im in sch. oh my, why did i go crazy this morn and class bench? hmm. haha.

im so happy that i started the week with God.
im so ready to do and live Life with my Jesus Christ!
Lord, im expecting great things! =D

2007-01-27T11:19:00.000+08:00

dear people, friends out there.

ive just lost my phone.

to those J1s in the CSC lecture in LT1 on thurs, if you had seen a black samsung clam shell phone with a long handphone strap and pink accessories, and had picked it up or seen others picked it up, please return it to 06A13's Yvonne Ho. its very important to me cuz i have alot of contacts inside--my pri sch, RV, ACJC, and some overseas contacts. so its very very important to me. do spread the word ard.

to my friends out there. if you see this msg, kindly msg me your no with your name to my old number so that i can key it into my replaced sim card. thank you very much.

im still waiting for my miracle, God.
let me find it by next week pls.

2007-01-24T22:05:00.000+08:00

havent blog in a while. but i cant blog much, or upload any pictures (i have alot!!) yet cuz i needa do other stuff tonight.

ive been pretty busy these few weeks, with school work, church stuff and of course, the ever-busy choir. been so dead tired every single day. and taking antibiotics for my sorethroat. sigh. yes, bad stuff. i dont know why, ive taken to ranting these few days. probably cuz im tired and really weary of school life.
but well, i'll look to God for the refreshment that i need regularly . thats like the only thing i can do right now.

sometimes, i just cant stand it. the way you say thing, the way you phrase stuff. i cant help wanting to cry whenever i talk to you. arent you supposed to be a counsellor of some sort? instead of providing words of encouragement, your words really tore me down. made me feel like a loser. it makes me think that the efforts that i put in in trying to think the best out of you are futile.
so what if you're a teacher? does that give you the right to judge. to criticize. to put down?
i know you're coming from the best of intentions, but the way you put across your 'advice' makes me feel so much worse.
why associate interaction and immersion in choir with my sorethroat?
why criticise my grades and make it seem like all my grades are horrible and that perhaps im not trying enough?
whatever. i restrained from crying in front of you cuz i dont want you to see that i was hurt because of your un-tactful words. and come to think of it, i will prove you wrong. by not being late. by getting my As.
i will prove you wrong.

thank God that im in the math special class! although my grade for the first test was terrible. but im beginning to understand more of vectors as Mrs Lim teaches. yep. even though the remedials mean more work, i cant help looking forward to clearing my doubts and getting the grade that im supposed to get. (: nothin's gonna stop me from getting A for math--im gonna try all my best!

pictures up next time. i promise.

2007-01-07T01:46:00.000+08:00

im really inspired by today's sermon and seed msg. really aim to be a loving and faithful shepherd to my 2 sheep. heh. dont know how im going to do it, but i trust that God will use me to teach, to love and to touch their lives.

many goals. many aims. some seemed so impossible! but as raphael had said, if we wanna see a miracle, we must have the heart and mind for impossible things to happen.
Dare to dream the impossible!
so yep, though its gonna be hard and tiring trying to reach my goals. though im gonna fall many many times. though i may be laughed at. though i may be demoralised.
but i'll be victorious in the end. cuz Jesus will bring me through.

long day ahead of me. must read thr my int notes. start on hist term paper. try a lil integration or vectors. do my vocab ex. read tempest. sigh.

i tink i look vastly horrible in this pic. something between a duck and a penguin post. hahahaha, but suet say quite nice. but haha. its quite funny lah. hope it cheers you up if you are feeling siann. heh. (:

2007-01-05T18:21:00.000+08:00

just a few days ago, i tink it was on new year's day, i saw a spectacular creation of God.

i was stepping out of the lift into the corridors, and the sight in the skys really made me gasp with surprise.

a rainbow.

perhaps the beauty and glory of this natural phenomenom is not justly depicted in the picture, but really at the moment i was really thanking God for showing me that rainbow.
i was thinking, how can anything be more beautiful than that?

perhaps its cliche, this response.
but i could hear it clearly in my heart from God: there is. YOU.
that really gave me the warm fuzzy feeling of being loved. and i bet i was grinning like some lunatic on the way home. but really, im beautiful in my own way, in Jesus's eyes. and that is what's most important right (:

---

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS TAN!! (:
the small gathering to celebrate gladys' birthday was really filled with so much fun and laughter. haha, and though i always whine, but i really love being the one providing the entertainment cuz the laughter and all that always made me feel so at home (:
though there weren't many people, but yeah, it was still alot of fun. and the photowhoring was like super shuang~ alan said we took about 70 to 80 pictures just yesterday night. heh.
hope to see you guys again soooon.

its a lousy feeling when you're sick for a few weeks. my throat isn't getting better. which is bad bad bad. hope im okaay soon.

2006-12-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

Finally Home
by Natalie Grant

I am here alone, in the falling snow,
And the wind, it cools my tears.
I have been so wrong,
I have turned away, but the road was long,
And finally I have come to my knees,
I want to be…

Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms,
I'm finally home!

Oh the winds of change,
They blow slow and cool!
Oh the wandering of a fool,
But I have laid it down,
In my Father's hands,
Where the weight of suffering,
Is carried by the arms of a cross,
Healing my loss…

Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms

Heaven has reached into my lonely soul.
Loving so deep, and so complete,
'Til I don't feel alone.
Where the light of love is burning,
Where the past is washed away,
Where I feel the sunlight shining on my face!
Now I can

Walk!
Now I can run,
Now my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Now I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms,
I'm finally home!

Now I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind I run,
Into my Father's arms
I'm finally home

this song is actually for women who were sexually abused. i find it really touching. although we may not be hurt in this way before, im sure we do feel lonely, deserted, alone, depressed, dejected, exasperated once.
and this song really reminded me abt God's promise to love and protect us. to keep us safe and secured.
in Jesus, we'll be victorious.

2006-12-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

hey. ppl out there. minitoons is having a sale!! haha. 30-35% off. haha. nice nice.

had a nice nice chat with ms leeyang! havent seen her for a long time, so it was good catching up. and she's still the same old funny self. yeahs. im so excited to have more shepherding with her (: went and bought alot of things from minitoons and popular. yeah, quite lame stuff too. haha. funny. but it was fun walking around doing nth. esp after that when i walked around wih leeyang.

oh i need to thank QINYAN. haha, she helped me do my first posb transfer for the things i bought online. haha, so thank you for helping the noob me who kept re-queueing for more than half an hour until i rmb to ask for help. haha.

am still sick. actually its a relapse! sian, cant sing for a few days. maybe one week. AGAIN. must learn to take care of myself. sigh.

2006-12-24T14:48:00.000+08:00

yesterday was really a HARVEST.

Lilin, Seok Hui, Kenneth, Aaron, Eunice, Ivan.
welcome to hwachong caregroup and the family of God.

im truly amazed by God. when He says get ready, it really means that great things are coming. hehe, and we really did have our harvest yesterday. the angels are surely rejoicing like crazy yesterday when the crowds of ppl went down during altar call. God must be beaming from ear to ear. i was so so happy. the immense feeling of joy and peace stayed for quite some time! (: Praise Jesus!

im glad i heeded the Holy Spirit when He said to stay for altar call. we were supposed to leave early cuz of choir, but i insisted on staying cuz i had the feeling that God's gonna do great things. i wanted to give God the chance to do His thing, to give us a miracle, to do what He wanted to do with lilin. i wanted to give lilin a chance too. yes, im so very happy that i obeyed and it bore fruit. (:

---

its the first time i felt such pain. and i wont forget it. when i saw her heartbroken expression, it really broke my heart and made me want to do my ultimate best just to not let her down. life ahead's gonna be so much tougher, but i tink that's why God put me in here. to make a difference and also to learn life. and i really learnt a lesson on humility.
no matter what comes next, i pray that God will empower me with strength and most importantly, wisdom, cuz i got a feeling that its my turn to do something. and i will help us come out victorious cuz God's strength with with me. Jesus, help me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, everyone.
i rmb Suet once told me this.
CHRISTMAS means Christ, My Almighty Saviour.
thank you Jesus, my almighty Saviour (:

2006-12-21T01:02:00.000+08:00

im still at the computer. i just remember something and i wanto blog abt it.

well, i realised on monday during practice, and was reminded today how xmas is to everyone. i rmb suet was commenting how beautiful the lyrics of away in the manger and all the carolling songs are and yet the meanings are not sang out. yeah, i realised ive been singing these pieces all my life. i recognised the beautiful melodies--but when have i stopped to look at the lyrics? in fact, has anyone stopped to look closely at the lyrics? truly, when i began to decify what i sing, everything becomes different. i dont know why, but notice the love of God, the peacefulness of the manger, the glory of the angels singing. its just...different.

have you stopped to consider the lyrics? and wonder how and why these words were written in the first place? singing christmas carols has been a tradition all around the world.
can you still say you havent heard about Christ's love? i dont know how.

i guess, in this festive week, why not stop and wonder not only what gifts to give our loved ones, but also the meanings behind these xmas carols and the significance of the birth of Christ. (:

2006-12-20T23:23:00.000+08:00

haha. havent updated for a long time. well, lots of things going on right now.

im doing, or rather, trying to compile stuff for xmas, get xmas gifts for ppl i love..choir-ing. lots of things to do. haha. and to make things worse, my comm keeps restarting. so darn irritating. bleahx. but nvm. its okay.

haha. but anyways, i went for primary school xmas gathering yesterday! though there were only 7 ppl- gladys, jocelyn, alan, mingjie, hongyi, richarlynn and me, but it was still alot of fun! (: im still rather amazed that we can still keep in touch so well, still able to gather to celebrate festivals tgt. its cool, i tink this kinda friendship. sorry that i wasnt always around guys, i promise to be more available. but, i realised i was the STAR of the day. jocelyn and alan kept taking pictures of me--nono, not those nice ones, but weird, un-glam, crazy photograps of me doing weird things. they even made a video of me swaying hair. oh gosh, even i myslef couldnt stop laughing. haha. rights. gorge ourselves with more and more foodstuff. played zong ji mi ma to get rid of more food from the tabel. disgusting combinations of food. and i got sabo-ed 4 times! ahh. haha but, i truly love these guys! thank you for the wonderful evening! (:

haha. okay pictures up sooon. rights, im going back to msn.

2006-12-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

2 souls for Jesus.
see, it can be done. YES!! finally the hwachong girls are seeing a breakthrough! haha, both are dancers too--samantha and lim mian. we're so gonna be a wonderful performing grp. heh.

we're closer to our goal of 25! today, i saw masses of ppl going down to the stage during altar call for both services. and i cant help feeling so joyful cuz so many lives are saved! and the angels in heaven are rejoicing as well. God must be smiling from ear to ear today. haha. Praise God!
when Samantha and lim mian went down, my heart was screaming for joy too. (:
thank God for robert and huiying who invited the two of them, and for the others who helped to save these souls! =D

hope my voice gets better. i miss singing. esp during worship today, i was trying hard to sing but kept coughing. but well, it will get better. before fullerton. yeah yeah.

okay anyway, here are some random pictures.

Breakthrough Camp

fungmin and me

xiang and me acting cute!

xiangyu and yvonne

mr raphael and me

jiexun the weirdo and me

Porgy and Bess performance

some of the girls from hwachong and njc

Choir Camp 2006

zhikang, job, zoe and me

THREE. choir concert

SOPRANOES!

some of the girls from ACJC choir

2006-12-16T00:11:00.000+08:00

Breakthrough Camp 2006

i guess its difficult to blog all about the camp. learnt alot. experienced alot. breakthroughs.
all i can say is that i feel really charged up now. to do more for God.

i got to know more central ppl esp through cheerleading and fireball. haha. bunked with CE2 girls and had a good chat with abigail. got to know more ppl deeper. set new goals to save more souls. yeah~ excited for tmr cuz i have a feeling something great's gonna happen! (:

and i got a strong feeling about my future.
i rmb when i was taking psle, i wanted to go rv but thought i couldnt so i put bukit panjang as my first choice. and in the end i got into rv.
when i was sec four, my dream was hwachong--had always been my dream. but i wasnt good enough all through the year, even at prelims so i went to AC. but O levels out and im off to hwachong.
although my studies arent good now, but i think the feeling is true, and its a hope given to me by God. that i'll be going overseas for further studies. im actually very excited cuz i wanto experience life outside my comfort zone. to meet new ppl, to serve more ppl.
i really do wanto work very hard so that God's plans for me can be fulfilled. (:

25 for hwachong. 1000 for y-hope.

i want to be God-centered and people-oriented. =D

2006-12-02T20:51:00.000+08:00

wah. i shouldnt have gone to the porgy and bess thingy. only spent less than an hour there and even less rehearsing. gosh, i could have been at service and learning something. gosh. sigh.

this feeling. im terrified of it. that it'll come back. im really scared. i need to turn back instead of running away. back to Jesus.

here are some random pictures i took by MYSELF. heh.

some photos taken at choir camp 2006:

RVChorale Sec Fours 2005

Simneh's brownie cake. i love you Simna!

simneh, yanjun, me, xinyi, sera! (:

some choir girls

now for some shots i took at Penang:

the gorgeous view from sera's and my hotel room

my attempt to take a picture using the mirror. a failed one. haha.

chang-er and me after sharing porridge on the first day

my room-mate and me @ changi airport on the first day!

sheepmates! (: (suet's smiling!! hah.)

2006-11-30T21:22:00.000+08:00

haha. i realised i havent been blogging for ages. well, a week or so. so here i am.

right now, im watching this taiwanese drama: devil beside you. haha, i must say although i dont really like the idea of a jie-di lian, but the show's quite nice. think the girl's really quite pretty. im awaiting to watch the kiss show. heh.

shucks. im really really broke lah. cant stand it. chalet money, concert money, and money to buy xmas gifts and all that. how am i gonna find the money? and im very determined not to keep atm-ing. its bad bad bad. sheesh. i need to find the way to get some money, or save some, sooon. it will be nice if i start getting free lunches or dinners....haha. no lah, im independent. sigh.

just wondering. how am i gonna spend xmas and new year's day this year? last year, i spent xmas with yanjun and simna, and haha, new year's with my fam. i wonder how it'll be this year. xmas will be spent carolling, i guess. xmas eve, i hope i'll be spending with my beloved caregroup after Christmas ESS. what about new year's? must start plaaning soon. im very excited for xmas this year. prob cuz i have more ppl that i want to give gifts and wishes to, and cuz i found a new family. prob wont be as lonely as past years! yeahs. though i'll be happy singing for ppl on xmas day, i wouldnt mind sharing it with ppl i truly love with all my heart. haha. im starting to go lovey-dopey. ew. haha.

haha. here are some penang pictures!! (: taken from zhongwei's blog.
jason actin macho agst kim and the rest of us being v. surprised!

lynnette and me!

kimberly and me!

some of the girls at penang airport

hwachong choir @ Penang airport

my fave alto-yuhan!! hah. think this photo's taken really nicely!

yuhan and me. sera's the extra. hah.

ACT cool. dao. chio. cute.

trying to act sixties. hah.

hah. quite nice. very fun too. (:

unglam lah.

bimbo(with brains!) alert. the catch-me-if-you-can look. hee.

sera, kim, me.

pink, spongebob, green.

unglam plus act-cute.

hah. i look funny laughing. caught unaware.

jason and me!

i love this bunch of supper ppl! last night at penang~

i find this photo ridiculously funny. hah. basses and their da-sao! hah.

hwachong choir with ms lim, ms ng and mr quek.

choir girls!

yuhan, yubai, yvonne, luosha!

the jumping shot! hahaha.

having dinner on the first night!

some girls with mr photographer. i like this shot! very cool.

exchange with SAJC, TJC, NJC

family photo-sajc, tjc, hwachong, njc choirs!

ms tham, mr tay and ms lim!

xinyi, yvonne, cheryl and sera with lychee ice!

haha! had the exchange with these choirs on 28th and 29th nov. its really quite an enriching experience. learnt alot. made new friends. met old friends and MS THAM, plus Mr Tay too. heh. i suddenly rmb how we used to have lots of physical exercises as warm-ups. all the actions, the stretching...suddenly felt very unfit. but well, i felt a revival. so no matter what, i'll try to bring some of these back to hwachong choir. though we really are the lousiest there now, but with the 5 months ahead and with everyone's hearts--we will make it. that, im sure. no use getting upset now. just rmb the lesson, rmb the humilation and climb up from it. lets just move on together. (:
i was so glad that ms tham rmb me. that i could still the connection btw the both of us. i was a lil afraid that she'll forget me, or she'll just brush me off as another one of her students. but well, she didnt. haha, the little actions during practices, performances, warm-ups, lunch, even when we're saying our goodbyes say alot. that she still rmb me, still likes me and well, still care. (: that really made my days! =D really do miss her.
but well, its not like i dont like ms lim, i do, really. just perhaps, we're still not close to each other yet. and that takes time. its getting along now, but i hope i'll get to be closer to her soon too.
im really very lucky to meet warm and caring conductors in all the choirs that ive been to. (:

okay, thats all for now. quite alot of stuff. haha, will upload some pics i took tmr. yeha. bye.

2006-11-21T21:48:00.000+08:00

Hwachong Institution Choir
Penang Exchange Trip 2006

haha. the trip was really quite fun. although there were quite a few mishaps for me, i got a great deal out of the trip. really. and im actually quite happy that i went.

i think our choir has improved, really. though we're still not up to SYF standard, but the trip has given me new hope. that we can really sing and feel the music. during one of the practices in the hotel, i felt magic when we were singing calme. its the first time that i can acknowledge out motto: more than sound, we are music. (:
at the concert, we sang lousily for a few songs and revert back during the second half. i slipped during jaacobin. omg, shld look at the sops and ms lim's face. we were stunned cuz we usually can come in very well. but thank God, i actually got the note from the basses and came in accurately,(although the altos and tenors were a lil out of tune) so at least the highest and lowest sections had a chord. and i must say, its the best screeching i ever did. seriously. it was loud and ridiculously high. haha, quite proud of myself lah. and for karimata, we went really fast!! haha, i was like panting when we finished the song. could hear jason and luosha's loud gasps too. but nonetheless, we learnt and got a gd experience out of the performance. to be street-smart, as ms lim said. (:

i rmb one of the aims of the trip was bonding. well, i guess we achieved that. at least i did. i got to know my sops and evern other sections so much better. hahah. ppl like cheryl chang, YUHAN, jason, zhexi, zhong wei, kaixuan, mel, luosha, lilin, suet, huiying...and so many more. when i got my camera wet, zhongwei and defeng tried very hard to help me fix it. and i can see that they are really concerned about me and my camera. the girls, helping each other and showing concern by passing out glasses of water and strepsils during practices.
im really starting to love hwachong choir more. i feel more belonged to it. yeah.

i think one of the most important thing i got from this trip is the increased understanding and should i say, friendship i have with Ms Lim. i used to not understand what she wants but i can safely say that im learning to. without the trip, i wouldnt have the chance to talk to her normally, to joke around with her, to understand how she is, or even to know that she cares about every single choir member--including me. i rmb telling sera that i always manage to be good friends with my conductors--Ms Tham, Mrs Wilson. as in, i can see that they genuinely liked me, and vice versa. i used to think pessimistically that it wouldnt be the same here in hwachong. but i guess, i see new hope in a true relationship now. plus, through ms lim, i starting to see music in yet another perspective. yeah. (:

i spent all my money! haha. i bought three BROWN shirts (must be influenced by tracy), a pair of shoes which was1 size smaller but was too nice to resist, a white wide belt, a set of greeting cards, a handbag, two necklaces, penang food stuff, a shirt for my brother....and lots of memories. happy. would have bought more if not for the limited time for shopping.

i see God's miracles everyday in penang. personally and through my surroundings.
i see the beautiful view from my hotel room, the untouched rural charm in the old and ancient shophouses, the warm hospitality in those people.
God protected me and my stuff. i had stomachaches twice and each time, after praying, the pain would cease in a matter of minutes. just in time for me to enjoy myself shopping or singing again. my camera which was new was soaked cuz my bottle leaked in my bag. i was so worried, and God used ppl like zw and df to appease my worries, then 'healed' it by letting it work perfectly again. i cant thank God enough for keeping me healthy and happy throughout the trp. i learnt alot, musically and personally. the time spent with God on the first two days refreshed me and equipped me for the next day of activities. yeah, so Thank God for keeping me and the rest of hwachong choir safe! (:

going back to rv tmr for some chatting session with the heads. wonder how it'll be, but im excited to see my teachers again. (: after that, i'll prob be starting on my holiday homework. sigh.

haha, okay, pictures to be up soon. (:

2006-11-16T23:31:00.000+08:00

im going to penang tmr.
sheesh. i wonder...

got kinda demoralised recently by how we sounded and all that. heard njc, and went totally and instantaneously into the zi bei mode. that was the kinda sound i was used to in RV and even AC. i wonder why it got lost here in hwachong.

perhaps its cuz i kept trying to conform to the hwachong way of singing, the way of doing things. in the process, i lost what i used to know and think is a good sound. no longer the full, rounded, thick and slightly darker kinda sound but the light, floaty, very impressive, cannot-blend-with-others-easily sound. why? i wonder.

thats why when i heard njc, i got so determined. i dont know what to do now, but go back to the trusted ways and methods that Ms Tham has taught me in RV. the knowledge that i hid to become a hwachonger. no more.

i used to cower under Sarah, thinking since her voice is the kind that ms lim likes, she can teach my Sops better. yes, at a point of time we did reached the standard ms lim likes. but then we became a section which cant blend with the rest (esp the guys) anymore. i didnt ask why because i thought that was what it must be, according to certain ppl. perhaps, now its time to go back to the simpler way--that is to get a full, round blended sound. yeah. i think thats what we need before we can go on to produce stuff of reasonable standards.

Lord, i need courage to do that. strength to perservere and not be cowed down.
help me.

2006-11-12T00:53:00.001+08:00

havent updated in a while cuz i was too busy. imagine singing for 4 consecutive days.
mon, wed, fri- choir
tue- porgy and bess
thurs- Caregroup
sat- Service.
well, perhaps this is a prefiguration of what's gonna be happening to me next year.
BUSY. haha.

it has been raining cats and dogs these few days. yep, i know, the raining season.
but well, i like the rain when im indoors, but dislike it when im outdoors.
imagine getting your feet all wet and disgusting, walking through puddles of dirty and muddy water on the Roads. erk. but well, i like staying indoors when it rains, cuz its makes it so shuang when you're feeling drowsy and the rain is creating the perfect mood for a nap (: haha. okay.
but well, thinking about rain. rain is often used as a symbol to represent God right?
i guess God may seem to be rather strict with me sometimes, correcting me when im stubborn and all that. sometimes, also in the OT, He seemed like an angry Lord who disciplines by His righteousness. those are the times when im alittle afraid.
but He's also so comforting and gentle and very loving. like the rain which created a nice dreamy environment which is so soothing and comfortable, God does that too by giving me the peace and calmness i need so much in my everyday life.
well, guess God's really so interesting. and its really exciting to get to know Him more each day.

be faithful and you'll be victorious.

i just realised something yesterday during shepherd's class. i realized that im actually very blessed. choir has never really been something that i'll choose to depend on God for. i depend on God in other areas of my life--my studies, my family, my friends. but not choir. and now thinking back , i wonder why. perhaps its cuz i havent had much problems in choir. in RV, everything seemed to be okay. but in hwachong, i was more stressed with choir stuff, thus i lose control of my emotions more often. i feel dejected more easily. and i feel naked too.
but thank God, He didnt leave me alone, battling the odds and solving all the problems. instead it was pre-planned. He gave me an angel through Sarah. although i still dont know her as well as i know fungmin or seraphina, i somehow have this feeling that i can trust her and that she truly understands. she's always there when i lose control of myself in choir. and she understood how pressured i was. i can feel that she really does care, not only for me but also for Sops.
im glad to have her as my fellow Sop SL and friend. even though we are both at the edge of our wits and are clueless about what to do next, we know that we can depend on God together. that we'll both depend on God with this issue.
i think God's very wise. He knew that i'll face problems on my own, and He chose to place a person who is capable and is also a Child of His to aid me. so, praise God that i have Sarah.

wells. im going penang this friday. and there's high possibility that caregroup's gonna be on friday! sadd. but haha, maybe suet, huiying and i will be having our caregroup on the plane. each of us will take up a few roles! hahahaha. its really very funny. thks girls! i enjoyed the fellowship after dinner at S11. (:
i love Central E! cuz this group of brothers and sisters are always so bubbly and enthusiastic about Everything! haha. the care and concern is also there. (: haha. yes we stoned alot, we crap alot, we niao each other. but deep down, there is God's love anchoring us such that we do sincerly love each other (: yeahs.

i tink God's miraculous. He knows whats best for us. hence the decision was made. at first i wonder why. then i realised that its not only for everyone, but also for me. (:

im looking forward to a week full of God's work in my life cuz i know there'll be miracles this week (:

2006-11-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

HAHA. finally PW is OVER. omg. im really happy.
and excited for our Haagen Daaz's fondue treat to reward and also congratulate ourselves for a job well done. heh. nice.
tink my elite sch girl act was quite well done. HAHA. yeahs.
im actually quite proud of myself for being bimbotic, or bitchy enough. (:

Jaacobin.
gosh, i cant believe that i screeched my way through 3-5 pages today. at the Highest point of the screech, i was hanging on to the "ng" for dont know how many beats. hahahha. but, believe me, it was SO much fun. its the first time you can just blast and blast and not worry if you're out of tune or not, basically cuz there's no tune. HAHA. and everyone was staring at me like i was some witch or maniac. hahah. but its okay, i think im gonna enjoy screeching on wed and friday and also on penang trip! =P

oh wells. time to go watch my American's Next Top Model! (:

2006-11-03T00:11:00.000+08:00

haha. i just finished uploading some photos on friendster. haha. mostly zi-lian photos taken using my phone. haha. but it was fun.

hahah, tracee said this photo looks like it has professional lighting. haha. i pro. believe it or not, it was taken in a changing room where sera and i were trying out some clothes for fun. the purple top is really nice and has a very nice, though slightly suggestive, cut. sianz, its 59 bucks or i would have bought it. too expensive for penniless me. haha.

went to minds cafe today. played lots of interesting games. (im the boss!!) would have love to go dinner with CG, but family responsibilities call. sian. but whatever, i met ms tan yanjun and yingjie on the bus!!! haha. i was just thinking about our next rvchorale outing to minds and i saw her! =D heh. its fate. hahah. but woohoo~ we must go there again soon to have our surprise! *winks*

anyway, choir tmr. 9am to 3pm. long hours. haha, but hope to accomplish lots of stuff. starting to get more excited abt penang. haha.

BREAKTHROUGH camp! oooh. im so so so excited. i have a feeling that there will be miracles and life-changing experiences not only for me, but for hwachong.
wait up, God's gonna perform smt great in the weeks to come! (:

2006-11-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

porgy and bass!

really, the practice was so much fun. i get to blast like crazy and not be afraid if i'll sing the wrong notes or am too soft. cuz the pros are there to support me! heh. really gonna enjoy this interesting experience. and believe me, i was SO surprised to see Mdm Mak in SLO! yes! the Mdm Mak who taught 4F elective geog in 2005! as in, please! i thought she only teaches geography? haha, but i kinda have some memory of her singing or commenting abt singing or smt...haha, anyway, it was really enjoyable and challenging to sing with such pro ppl and to meet them. many pracs! but im sure it'll be worth it.

hmm, im suddenly reminded abt sermon Pastor Ben preached last saturday. the novice with the master surrounding him at the piano produced beautiful music from a simple nursery rhyme. i experienced it myself here at SLO-no matter how lousy(or mediocre) we are alone, with these pros, we sounded like hah, angels, or well, a professional chorus. the package that we presented was gd even though some of us are not as gd.
reminds me of Jesus. isnt that what He always does? He always supports us in quiet ways that made us out to be so much better(on both inner and outer surfaces). to be presented as more wonderful individuals. cool stuff. as we are surrounded by the gifts of the Holy Spirit and God's presence Himself, we are superb. without Him, we'll be just normal, mediocre, un-interesting ppl. right?!

sadd. the shoes that i wanted to buy today lacks my size! sadd. i really want to find it. bleahx. so unlucky. im gonna try to find it online. haha.

no matter what, i think God has been faithful to me. i missed the chance to try out for the musical production (the taka one), and now He has given me another one which promises so much more fun and enriching experiences. yeahs.

all of a sudden, im feeling excited for service on sat another its only tuesday. haha. (:

2006-10-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

sometimes, ppl dont see what you do. but whatever, i know.

ytd during worship, Jesus spoke to me.
"love me, love my people."
this is really apt and timely, cuz im having some problem showing love to some of my family members and some friends. no matter what, i need to learn to love more and to care and tolerate more.

why, im surprised.
He told me a promise to assure me that i wont be alone. heh. God knows me too well.

big news. im keeping long hair, or well, shoulder length long hair. HAHA. okay. this is a major decision cuz my hair is one impt part of my appearance. heh. i dont know how i'll look, but this holidays will be my "experiment". haha, im really quite excited. heh. tell me what you tink, when you see me with my long-er hair, or even now. haha. oh gosh, i havent had long hair for years. heh.

oh well, can you believe it? im actually rather excited for the college songs recording tmr. haha. 9am. bleahx, alittle early though. haha.

2006-10-26T20:34:00.000+08:00

if i stay home for another one whole day, im gonna scream out my distress and tear away all my hair.

there are benefits to it, of course, i mean i can watch goong the whole day (im at episode 18 and i NEED and want to carry on!!!), but it could've been better spent with cg and shepherding. siannz.

retail theraphy and bugis tmr. yeppie. cant wait. and scream--i wonder how everyone will react and all that. HAHA. tmr's gonna be funn. (:

2006-10-25T22:04:00.000+08:00

life is unfair.
when you tried your very best and it isnt recognised.
when your group tried their best and she said you all didnt.
when you tried so hard and it didnt pay off, perhaps because of a few individuals.
its not only irritating. its hurting.

perhaps she didn't meant it. yes, she wanted the best for us.
but its still hurting.
to see us trying so hard yet not reaching her expectations, let alone our own expectations.
but no doubt, it was timely.

for all those who had been sleeping, its time to wake up.
for those who hadn't been trying as much as the others, its time to buck up.
for those who gave so many excuses, its time to pull your socks up.
lets just get going! we have only a little time.
the performances, the trip, the competition. these are no longer events that are far away.
they're just round the corner.
are you ready? are we ready?

wake up everyone!
its time we work our asses off.
its time we put in more effort, more time, more heart.
to live up to our own expectations (do we even have one!!)
to live up to our name!
lets put up a strong and determined fight, to prove our worth and our calliber for so much more.
lets get that victory.

im so emo today.

2006-10-24T23:31:00.000+08:00

i really dislike hospitals.
i dont like the smells or the looks of them. okaay, kk hospital has recieved a tremondous renovation that made it alot more cosier and all that..but i still dont like hospitals. sian, hope i dont have to go there alot next time. its a place where sian-ness, sorrow, or just plain weariness hides under the smiles and cheerful faces. duh.

GOONG! oh please, can i pon sch tomorrow to watch my goong? im like still at episode 9 and im desperately wanting to watch moreeee. whY must i go to schoool? bleahx.
but really, no matter what everyone says about SHIN, i still like him more than Yul. i don't know, he's kinda sweet. oh nvm, after reading tracy's short review on it, i really want to get on with episodes 10 and so on cuz im such a sucker for sappy romantic shows. hehe. niceeee.

gee. i realised that im quite stoned today.

i like the way the Holy Spirit assured me of God's promises today (:

2006-10-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

you all meant it as a joke. a passing remark. harmless. an observation.
whatever.
but sometimes it hurts. really does.

i need to worry about my cash-flow now. be mindful. bleahx.

sigh.

2006-10-22T01:10:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YANJUN!!
(belated, heh.)

yan jun with her beautiful cake

nice chocolaty cake!! from breadtalk pls.

the cake was delicious right. she was so surprised. haha. im still amazed that we're celebrating each others' birthday. last time in rv, it wasnt even planned and all that. but guess as we grow older, and became closer (since distance makes the heart fonder (:), birthday celebrations have been more fun then last time! (: really do love these ppl. are we going backpacking after As tgt then? hehe.

-----

i just felt so sad. so burdenered. the weary face, the confusion and tiredness behind the seemingly joyful and cheerful front. really led me to tears. i really dont want anyone to be left behind as the whole group is growing so much. i look at him. i look at her. and im worried and i cant help sighing.
faith. i think this is something i really need alot. both for spiritual and for physical. i was thinking. hey i didnt pray for that for like ages. issit because im starting to see others being more impt? or is it that im just too demoralised by the lack of fulfillment of promise? then jonathan and daniel said the word: patience.
i didnt forget, God seemed to say, i just want to you to learn to endure, to learn, to struggle, to believe and then grow.
i asked God why?
He said: cuz i love you and i want the best for you.
i asked God again, why is she resistant? i cant bear to not see her for eternity.
God said to endure and continue working on her.

i didnt speak God's word during the prayer meet cuz i was alittle scared.
but God said, and this is not only for me but for every believer out there:
Be equipped. for the Harvest is here.

today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. i learnt to feel for others more. and i learnt that faith must be accompanied by patience. this is something that i needed to learn.

Thank you, Lord, for reassuring me.

2006-10-19T23:33:00.000+08:00

I will be a candle in the darkness
I will be the hand of heaven above
I will be a mirror that reflects your
endless love
I will be the hope among the hopeless
where there is conflict I will be peace
Only by the power of your spirit that's living in me

This little light of mine, I'm gonna
let it shine
this little light of mine, yeah

Jesus help me to be more loving, more caring, more gracious and gentler.
i want to be more like you, Lord.

2006-10-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

God taught me something today and that is discipline.

im so happy today cuz i found the url to all the OSTs to goong, full house and more! happy.
check it out! (:

2006-10-17T22:31:00.000+08:00

this morning, pris msged me about auditions for an end of year production organised by some organisation. i was really interested, cuz it has always been my dream to be involved in a musical! and well i felt that i should join, or at least try out at the auditions.

well, i went to school with the inclination to ask tracee and fungmin. i mean i wanted to consult them about this issue-whether i should go or not. well, both of them didn't really like the idea cuz i will be really super super super busy if i do get in. i already have choir which will take up more than half of my holidays. and most importantly, i have church.
and if i tried and get in, i'll not be able to commit myself fully to Hope and God's work.

nonetheless, i decided to neglect that in the afternoon and even got junhua to teach me the ares dance for my auditions! i even started thinking what songs i could sing. i got so excited.

on the way home from tuition, i was asking myself again and again about the issue. there were two voices.
one voice said: Go! this is the chance of your life time! you may not be able to get a chance to do such stuff next year or even in future. plus, it will be on your resume.
i didnt know whether it was God or not. got so confused. i wanted to just set my mind to go for it.
this is when the true Holy Spirit stepped in and spoke.

He said,"do you want to work for your resume in the world--which is judged by people. or do you want to work for the resume of heaven--which is judged by God?"

i got a jolt. it dawned on me how selfish i was. how i almost got tricked by the devil's temptations using my inner desire. how lucky that God pulled me back just in time!

yes. i would forsake my wish to pursue God's will, to do His work. this sounded like a sacrifice to me initially, i wanted to cry cuz im giving up a chance for exposure. but i decided it was not really a sacrifice cuz it was my choice, God gave me a choice to choose my own life, and i chose to walk God's path and not depend on my foolishness or be fooled by my own puny self.
i chose to be in God's plans instead of being outside it.

perhaps it may seem to be a foolish decision. stupid. worthless. un-understandable.
but i think its always wiser, more intelligent, more worth it and more fulfilling to commit oneself to God's plan. to be accountable and to be available to God's calls to serve Him and His people. and i guess this is more important than anything else for me.

i believe this was a test set by Satan to drive me far from my Father. cuz if i really go for it, i'll have no time for God and may stray away from Jesus. forgive me for the strong words, but go back to hell and stay there. cuz i have Jesus. and He is all i need. once again, i believe a battle is won. victory. and im so proud of myself, really. haha. and thankful that God, through this, allowed me to see the vitality of prioritising.

im sure that God will bless me more when i choose to follow Him instead of earthly "priorities".
and im so so excited for the up-coming church activites and events. and im awaiting God to use me further for His kingdom.

Jesus, are you smiling down at me from heaven?
hope you are (: