what rubbish lah, i dont even know why i said the things i said. i must say that this was the first interview which i was really nervous and scared. first thing, i run in late. cuz my mom la. nvm, it was my fault. anyway, i began sprouting nonsense without thinking through carefully. what an embarrassment. i just kept contradicting myself.

i think i really gave the wrong impression of the true me. its not me at all. i dont think im selfcentred, who think im always right; but instead, im always gg with the flow(even in RV). im sometimes very insecure too, and not confident about my own abilities. i need assurance. at least i thought so. :( i dont even know why i answered that way. i didnt mean to offend anyone, i didnt mean to say rubbish. could see that the seniors were really confused by what i said, and yes, very pissed. or disappointed. i dont know. i was confused myself. this is what nerves do to a person. make a confident (i think im quite) into someone who's so confused, so not tgt. this is so not me, and im really ashamed. i really hope the ppl who know me will know that the person in the room today is not exactly the real me. i dont think im what i said i was. the problem with not thinking before speaking. unwise.

part of me wants to be a somebody. the other just wants to be a nobody. is it possible to strike something between? i really want to play a part in making it better for all of us. but i also waaant to be able to take instructions. i really am not a one-man-show person, i need many ppl in it with me, so that i can lean on their support when im discouraged, which is not often. i want to feel the joy of seeing something work for us, that we do tgt, that achieve so much. thats what i got in RV. im starting to miss RV a hell alot more than before. RVChorale commitee and the Sec 4s were constant pillars for me. even when im down, i know that i can count on them to tide me and us over. thats the trust i have in them. is it too much to expect the same thing here? maybe, in the end, i will end up as a nobody, but i'll be a somebody in my own way, i'll try to make an impact in the lives around me. as a supporter at the side. if i become a somebody, how small it is, i'll try my best to serve and yes, listen. maybe thats what i need more--listening.

but now, i can go m'sia with a lighter heart. cuz i know the possbility for me is 50-50. i really want to vote, but maybe it wont be possible anymore. nvm. God will decide.

Lord, i really need strength now. im so lost. so confused. so weak.