this week has been a vastly interesting one. it was tiring but i dont know why, i feel rested and ready to chiong for whatever im doing or aiming for! the outing with leeyang on tuesday and the dinner i had with tracee, fung, oli, junhua, karweng and hongwei today was really refeshing and relaxing. haha, i havent laughed so much since- i dont know when! it was fun, talking and laughing and slamming some school with hongwei cracking and being so emo abt the table tennis match. although i wasnt there to watch the finals, it was candidly described over dinner and i could almost feel the tension! im really proud to be a hwachongian. recalling my AC days, no offense, but i began to understand why God put me here. (:(:
the spirit, as cliche as it sounds, is what i experience here. and sincerely, im very proud of peiyu. competing with a national player is certainly no mean feat. (:(:(:

i just realised that my SAT test is round the corner and guess what, im still at word list number five. hahah. sheesh really have no time to study. but whatever it is, i want to put in my best cuz i really dont wnat to take it again.

after hearing what nj choir is putting in to train and prepare for SYF, i began to feel just a little jealous and scared. not really jealous but more of envious lah. cant help thinking and hoping that ALL of my choir friends and juniors have the same kind of persistent will and desire for the GWH. like what ruixiong said, every batch starts a new chapter. we dont depend on our seniors' acheivements, but we can live up to it.
is this story going to have a happy ending or a disappointing one? cliche words again but the ending is in our hands. really hope to feel more of the music soon.
i want. i crave. i desire. i fight.
what about you?!

i hope choir ends before 330pm tmr.
i really really really want to go for service tmr. i want to pray and sing and worship with my brothers and sisters. i really do. God, grant me this simple wish. please.

not exhilirated about the change. but well, i think it'll be better for the growth and maturing of the group. so i really await more good things to come our way. a strong team needs devoted members who are willing to learn, fight and win the battle with us.
are you up for it? are you willing to commit to it?
God, i just pray for more guidance and vision for both groups!

my simple wish.


went with LEE YANG to watch 200 Pounds Beauty today! initially i thought it'll just be a normal chick flick with lots of laughter and all that. surprisingly, it was actually good. plastic surgery is definitely not my thing, but this show helped me understand why ppl go for it and the difficulties, which we often missed, these ppl face when trying to fit back into society. and i realise something else. talent, heart and soul cannot be judged by appearances. of course, looks matter to a certain extent. cliche as it is, inner beauty is more important. yepyep. oh my, im not lesbian or anything, but i think Kim Ah Joon is super pretty, she has this innocence that's rather alluring. haha. oh, i think the OST is superb. will recommend the show to those who like korean movies, those who like good soundtracks and concert scenes, those who feel like losing weigth. hahaha. i will try the okinawa diet. haha.

restricted and constricted. that's how i feel in choir sometimes. it's like i have alot that i want to offer, but not able to. hmm, i guess i cant complain much. im already starting to get more involved in voice and music in choir...but sometimes i wonder, is it enough? so much to do. so little time. so little chances. will you give me the chance to do it? and i f i ever become too mean or aggressive in choir, pls tell me.

i dont like hypocrites. nor two-faced ppl. nor ppl who kept trying to justify or defend themselves for smt that is not very right. whywhywhy? geez. i dont really know who to trust now except for a few of them. bleahx.

i want more of your heart.


God never fails and i finally got smt! really happy. happy. (:(:(: imagine my feelings when i got that letter, that msg. wow. my heart was like flying. thank you for making the effort to try.
to you, you know who you are, thank you. and i really look forward to a more fruitful friendship.
(:(:(:

i apply what i learn! haha. today, went out with seraphina ho to buy my brother's pencil case. im such a nice sister. heh. (: and i really had alot of fun and it felt really good talking to her abt anything under the sun. felt really at ease. thank you, SERAPHINA HO. for always being so compliant and so easygoing. i really relaxed alot today. heh. really love you for that =D and heh. i really hope and pray that we'll get our prize! *wink wink* heh. you know. (:

oh my, why do i sound so emo today? heh. dont know why. perhaps all the ranting and whining helped. big thank you to those who tolerated my whining and ranting! was feeling really quite stressed about choir today. about my sops, myself, my choir and about sitting on the fence. but i will do what i think i should. at least i wont go against my conscience. (:
tmr's another choir day. long but hopefully meaningful and VERY fruitful. loads of people to train tmr, so i really need alot of wisdom, good memory, patience and also confidence.
God, this i need your strength. help help.

not helpless but power-filled.
for when i am weak, then i am strong.


i told myself today that i should stop being pessimistic and just do what i can. no matter what others said or complained about ---, i cannot join in mainly because i cant. who will, if i give up? of course i know its difficult to work on ---, especially if the possbility of being disappointed is so so high. but if God didnt give up on me, what right do i have? ive got so many things i want to do, i just hope that i'll be able to find time this week to do all of these things that i think may help. slow and steady. dont lose faith, yvonne.

i just realised today that i really had improved alot since last years. my msg is better and i guess im more confident now. if i can improve at this slow but steady rate, i'll reach what i aim for. i just need discipline, tenacity and lots of faith and dependence on God. yepyep. no saying giving up, no matter what. (:(:(:

i warned myself NO. although the setting is so similiar to then--the position of my things, the situations and even the conversations. nothing is going to make me do it again. not ready to, and no desire for it. studies is and will be my focus till the end of year. that and other things that will last for the eternity. yeah. (:(:(:


surprisingly, choir actually did better today. yes, there were like still alot of mistakes and all that, but well, a sign. but then again, we are so inconsistent. but well, i realised that praying helps. so yes, before prac or any combines, i will make sure i catch sometime with yuhan,sarah and/or anyone elseto pray before we fight. yeahs.

God really answered my prayers.
i prayed that i wouldnt get lower than a D for GP cuz i really didnt want to do badly. i wanted a C at the very least. and when Mrs Goh gave us back our essays, i scraped a C!
i prayed that i will retain the D for my lit(passed my prac crit). and guess what, God gave me a C again!! yeah. happy happy. (:(:(:
hmm, i guess for BT1, all my grades improved, except for GP. for GP, i really need to work on my vocab and language and i think God wants to teach me a lesson--to not be satisfied or proud of what iam currently. must look towards the future. and for the improved grades, its really like God encouraging me to continue to work hard, telling me that it is not impossible to achieve better grades.
then again, i must not be complacent or even satisfied cuz there's still alot of room for improvement. yepyep. i will work hard!! (:

i know im not supposed to feel this way. but im just rather....uncomfortable knowing that. i shouldnt be feeling this. not at this time. not anymore. but its just weird lah. sighsigh.


set free.
i feel alot happier today. dont know why, perhaps its cuz i spent the morning with God's people, remembering Jesus' death and his victory when he resurrected.
or maybe its cuz i really relaxed at home today, entertaining people, watching A Cinderella Story (Chad Michael Murray!) and yeah, just lazily sing songs to myself, msg ppl, read my storybook....relaxing day. and im really rather refreshed now, ready to take on the impossible! (:

im blessed to bless.
to love and be loved.


sometimes its hard to get ppl to see your point. perhaps ive been always so jovial (i think), agreeable and ya, casual abt things that ppl dont take me seriously. sorry, please look closer. i guess everyone has their share of experiences of being helpless. i felt it so strongly today when i was singing and then when i was talking to ms lim. kept asking why and how? relax. how to? its one freaking month to syf, how can i relax?

the tears in her eyes made my heart go all the way out for her. she really really loves us. so much. do you realise? im no longer angry, was never angry this year cuz i know she's the most worried. sigh. tired and weary. much as these describe us, dont they describe her as well? more, i will say. perhaps you think she's just being nonsensical. just being difficult. just being fussy. imagine youself in her shoes, how will you behave to group of ppl whom you love and want to do well?

its not the first time i felt helpless. and useless. persistent thought already. what holds me up is the love for music and singing. and the desire to attain the GWH.
capable? no doubt. desire? not enough.
all that i had learnt from rv, where did i chuck them to? various reasons. but perhaps, its time to dispel them and just go all the way. not be concerned abt what they may say, but what my conscience says. the thing is, will they accept?
YOU. ME. stop being wishy-washy. stop being uncertain. stop being reluctant. no more time.

spent some time ranting to God just now. just throwing alot of questions, whining, telling Him how i felt. how desperate and depressed and totally stressed i am. yes, everyone is stressed. but when you have three months of non-stop trials happening to you, will you be like me? worn out and just a little burnt out? thats what im feeling now. not ready to give up or give in to the devil, but just a little tired. a little down. sometimes i ask myself, how long is this going to last? how am i able to sustain all the way when im already so weary now? whining whining whining. then i'll try to encourage myself by saying that it will get better. it can only get better. then something worse or just as bad will happen. difficult to understand when you're not in my shoes. when everything piles up, one after the other, sometimes with several piling and rolling over each other. God, i need to whine. just let me whine for a moment. just a moment.

6 weeks. cant go for service. think this is the biggest trial of all. testing my ability to sustain spiritually. i cant die cuz i have my sheep to think of. cant die cuz i have my brother to think of. cant die cuz ive my choir friends to think of. cant die, cuz im a child of God.

fallen but never beaten.
God, remind me this through the course of the week. there is no way i can live life without you, God. so dont leave me alone. dont leave me helpless. no matter what i do, or say. not do or not say. dont give up on me.

Jesus, i leave choir, my cg, my sheep, my family and myself in Your hands.


i realised that i havent blogged much lately, neither have i been reading others' blogs..so i took time today to run through i few blogs..i missed alot my friends' recent views on their lives since i havent been reading the blogs..but im glad to say that i didnt miss alot cuz i know whats happening in their lives. or most of it. that made me happy...heh. =D

up till now, i got back math, history, DRQ(economics) and compre (GP). i didnt get S for math, i got a D! ahha. to me, its already an improvement, God telling me: hey you are improving! slowly but surely! and this really boosted me to wanto try harder, to do better!
for history, at least the international part of it, ive upgraded to a B! yeah. okay, i bet alot of ppl did well, and yeah 66/100 is probably considered rather lousy comparatively. but again it shows that i can improve. contrary to what some ppl might say abt my essay skills. rahh. but then again, its not enough, i need to do alot better, so that means ive to get help!
econs!!!!disappointing so far. studied super hard, but got a what D. terrible. just praying that i'll do better for my essay! GP is atrocious. a D again. placing my hopes on essay again. rahhs.
i tried my best, so yeah. thats all.

there was this ugly and big cyst like thing on my eye for the past few days. i think it first appeared last thursday. and grew bigger and more painful on saturday. yesterday it was totally uncomfortable that i had to wear specs. in addition to the lousy feeling was the extended choir comm meeting that lasted till 945pm, feeling feverish and horrid. it was a bad day, and i was rreally feeling sorry for myself.
*i prayed for a cab and in precisely one minute, God provided a cab for kai(who unfortunately sprained her foot during captains' ball) and i, so i reached home just after 10. didnt do all the things that i planned to do, but fell asleep soundly after bathing.
woke up this morning with the cyst thing discharging some pale yellow thing (i assumed its pus). but the fever left me with just cough and headache. so i decided not to go to school. the doctor said its dirt accumulation, so i have to refrain from contacts these few days (NOO!) and i was given eye ointment plus loads of other medicine ive always get. but the doctor assured me that my eye will heal in no time and i was REALLY happy (:(:(:!

thank you God for listening to the prayers. thanks to all those who cared, prayed and asked (:
i feel lovedd. (:

my respect for johnathan kee has increased after listening to him telling us what his goal is and him recounting the experiences from the last SYF.
it gave me hope.
i dont know what, but i trust him and his views that we can definitely do much much much better than imagined. yes the word 'potential' has been overused. but to me, it is true. there is so much we can reach. and i think we really are moving to another direction, different from the rest of the choirs.
into our very own class. genre. type.
and it really boosts my tired and weary heart and pushes me to want more. to desire more. to see what we can be become a reality.

how? i think we not only need to work hard, work smart. but also with HEART and SOUL. i think we already reached a stage where pitching and rhythm are more or less done. and fixed. whatever has been said are said and it only requires us to rmb and to put it into practice and into our music. we need the heart of the music. the musicality. the soul of music. sounds abstract? but we need to feel the lyrics and convey the story. we need to interpret and describe our version of warmth.
the hwachong version of music.
added to these, i believe that we need divine intervention. we need God's strength and wisdom. and passion. so yes, yuhan! we must start the prayer group!!

these 2 weeks has been an emotional rollar coaster for me. ups and downs.
distress. hope. disappointment. joy. anger. accomplishment.
ive seen the worse side of ppl and also the loving and compassionate side of those who love me.
yet , i know God's still here. expressing His love through the ppl who love me, strengthning, molding and reminding me abt myself by showing me the ugly sides of human nature and contempt.