i feel kinda detached from my life after i started working in my aunt's shop. i wouldn't say the work is easy cuz its not. in fact its really tiring, having to stand around for 12 hours, trying to persuade people to buy the watches, explaining to people about swiss movement japanese movement and about austrian crystals...but in actual fact i learnt quite a lot. i learnt to be more observant, more persuasive and to you know, be more people-minded. good social and ministry skill. i've also learnt more about the world through my conversations with my colleague , Shiv- things that the sheltered me have never heard or experienced or have contact before. and seeing the world and its happenings through another person's perspectives. Different, i must say.

i feel extremely loved by the number of people coming to bishan to have lunch/dinner with me so that i wont feel bored or sorry for myself. i feel blessed that my family in God cared enough to come accompany me, to constantly ask how im doing and to encourage me through msgs etc. i feel fortunate to have Sarah Soon come down for lunch and a very good time of catching up at Subway. to have dinner with jonathan and eugene wong at foodcourt. lunch with kelly and tianruo at pastamania. a very fruitful and insightful shepherding with tracy. yanyin, shaun and junyao coming to the shop to visit me. and my dear sheep patrice who came all the way from town and back to send me chrysanthemum tea and chat with me. my mom who prepared breakfast, pills and drinks for me in the morning. i truly feel super thankful and grateful that God gave me these people to help me get use to a new life , different from what im so used to. and to God for reminding me through this experience about how much i really need Him and how much He's so willing to provide and give me. (:

i feel sad. and disappointed. perhaps a little pissed too. i may not know you very well, but i saw and felt the change in you. and i feel so...about it. what can i say? i may not know the full story. i dont need to. but i dislike the way you are and will affect the people around you, these ppl whom i really care about. why dont you start thinking about people? do whatever with your life, just dont touch these ppl i love.

i dont really know how to handle this. in and out. yes and no. so swift, so fast. how do i deal with it. how do i cushion her? im worried, i feel at a lost. all i know is that i cannot and will not let her choose that path, no matter what happens. i dont wanna feel the regret that Shiv felt, the sorrow that grips her so strongly. God, help.

service later. im really excited because im tired and i need desperately God's empowerment and refreshment.
Jesus, help me!


X29.
i think this is one camp which i started out really badly cuz i was feeling spiritually dry for so long but i received the most out of the four camps i've been to. to me, this camp was more relaxing prob cuz i wasn't really involved in any ministry or performances or serving, but i think God gave me this time to get to know my new CG so much better and i can safely say that this camp really bonded us quite well. i really am very grateful how God has never given up on me even though i may be like a pile of rubbish. yet He chose to give me new opportunities and chances to meet new people, and to be challenged by the different teachers and also by the people around me.
i saw the miracle with the keycard. i saw visions once again. i could feel God's presence so clearly once more. my first truly and extremely spirit-led worship when i really followed the directions of the Holy Spirit. funny how this isn't my first time at camp, yet it reminded me so much about being new again-an objective i had for camp. so yeah. happy.

sometimes i see the people around me doing stupid stuff and i feel like ahhh, why are you doing this? why are you ruining your life, ruining other people's lives and causing so much worry and trouble to the people who love you? i find myself hating a particular someone for being , hmm how shld i say this, hypocritical. about him declaring, surrendering, choosing to commit during altar call yet say extremely different things the next moment/day. it sucks and im so angry about it. who are you to make promises and commitments you dont even want to try to fulfill?
in a way, it really reminded me about being faithful to the promises i made to God and to my ministry but really, im still pretty pissed. why choose to stubbornly live the life you plan out for yourself when you know, you know it well that God may have an even better plan for you that will help you achieve your fullest potential and to live life to the fullest? i just don't understand.

another thing i realised is that bgr really screws people up big time. ahhhh. i look and think of the person(s) i know and im like why?! i understand the temptations and raging emotions, but i cant understand a need for a physical manifestation of love when one can feel it so much and so overwhelmingly from God if you choose to seek Him. AHHH. sucks. i think im being rather emo here but there are some things on my mind that i can't stop thinking abt. anyhows, this camp really thought me to learn to be more secure and steady in my relationship with God and my caregroup especially.

im going to start street evangelism in the land tmr and im pretty excited and at the same time nervous about everything. i know im supposed to be like sanguine or something but i still need God's empowerment to open my spiritual eyes so that i'll be more effective. yeah.

i dont wanna be hypocritical.
i dont wanna be a lukewarm, halfway kid.

i choose to obey.
i choose to commit.
i choose to deny my life, to take up the cross and follow Jesus.