sometimes its hard to get ppl to see your point. perhaps ive been always so jovial (i think), agreeable and ya, casual abt things that ppl dont take me seriously. sorry, please look closer. i guess everyone has their share of experiences of being helpless. i felt it so strongly today when i was singing and then when i was talking to ms lim. kept asking why and how? relax. how to? its one freaking month to syf, how can i relax?

the tears in her eyes made my heart go all the way out for her. she really really loves us. so much. do you realise? im no longer angry, was never angry this year cuz i know she's the most worried. sigh. tired and weary. much as these describe us, dont they describe her as well? more, i will say. perhaps you think she's just being nonsensical. just being difficult. just being fussy. imagine youself in her shoes, how will you behave to group of ppl whom you love and want to do well?

its not the first time i felt helpless. and useless. persistent thought already. what holds me up is the love for music and singing. and the desire to attain the GWH.
capable? no doubt. desire? not enough.
all that i had learnt from rv, where did i chuck them to? various reasons. but perhaps, its time to dispel them and just go all the way. not be concerned abt what they may say, but what my conscience says. the thing is, will they accept?
YOU. ME. stop being wishy-washy. stop being uncertain. stop being reluctant. no more time.

spent some time ranting to God just now. just throwing alot of questions, whining, telling Him how i felt. how desperate and depressed and totally stressed i am. yes, everyone is stressed. but when you have three months of non-stop trials happening to you, will you be like me? worn out and just a little burnt out? thats what im feeling now. not ready to give up or give in to the devil, but just a little tired. a little down. sometimes i ask myself, how long is this going to last? how am i able to sustain all the way when im already so weary now? whining whining whining. then i'll try to encourage myself by saying that it will get better. it can only get better. then something worse or just as bad will happen. difficult to understand when you're not in my shoes. when everything piles up, one after the other, sometimes with several piling and rolling over each other. God, i need to whine. just let me whine for a moment. just a moment.

6 weeks. cant go for service. think this is the biggest trial of all. testing my ability to sustain spiritually. i cant die cuz i have my sheep to think of. cant die cuz i have my brother to think of. cant die cuz ive my choir friends to think of. cant die, cuz im a child of God.

fallen but never beaten.
God, remind me this through the course of the week. there is no way i can live life without you, God. so dont leave me alone. dont leave me helpless. no matter what i do, or say. not do or not say. dont give up on me.

Jesus, i leave choir, my cg, my sheep, my family and myself in Your hands.