the disappointment was hard to stomach and i really couldn't believe the words. i haven't felt like this for a long time and i guess the heartache was really too fast, too strong for me.
i still don't know why. i still don't know how. i still don't know what.
misunderstandings. false suspicions. but i'm glad they're all settled.
but will i ever get to know? maybe i will, maybe i already do.
but the way i hear it matters more to me than anything else.

i wonder what God gave me this for. it's a challenge to keep me on my feet, at the edge of my seat, so i have to depend. and depend fully on Him to get through this.
how to give up? how to let go when you've invested so much. too much.
but i can't stop loving. and won't stop loving.
i won't give up.

---

i really love my leaders.
they are people i can depend on, who listened to all my exclamations, my rantings and above it all, gave me advice, comfort and shoulders to lean on. part of the reason why i stayed stronger this time was because of my shepherd and my spiritual buddy. couldn't have got through these 2 days without them. spiritual friendships- they truly matter.
affected i may be, troubled i may be, but i'll get through because i know my leaders are praying for me and that against it all, God's on my side.